Wednesday, December 14, 2011

How To Drive a 2-Wheeler Without Falling

It was a bright Sunday morning in the month of August 1994, when I first laid my hands on a two wheeler. It was a gaudy bicycle in vogue and I was all excited to start riding it. I convinced myself that riding a bicycle would be a cake walk considering the fact that I was an expert when it came to tricycles. Yes, I haven't fallen from a 3-wheeler till date (includes auto). But to my unpleasant surprise, I had to be lifted out of a drainage after ten minutes of uneventful bicycling.


Insert irrelevant BGM.


Seventeen years after the scene in the prologue, I can proudly say that I am a man of multiple accidents that have taken place at various speeds ranging from 0 km/hr to 69 km/hr across two continents. Do I need any more qualifications to preach what I have practised my entire life? Unlike my other boring blog posts, this post will contain something useful and I am sure you can avoid an accident or two by following the tips given below.


Here are few of my major accidents, maybe 7..no definitely 6..umm..frankly lost count, in chronological order. Before that, here is a geographical representation of my accidents.






Accident #1
One month after I got my Bajaj Pulsar 150cc, I had my first major fall. I was having a bread omelette after a really long time at Hi-Look (See Map) when something strange happened. The protein molecule in the omelette failed to react in a cordial manner with the bile juice secreted by my liver, thus causing a disquieting and restless situation accompanied by poorly orchestrated sound effects inside my stomach. Quite naturally I left in a hurry and I drove home as fast as I could to avoid a literal scatological joke. But unfortunately, I flew off my bike after 200 meters and I rolled another 50 meters before my body came to complete rest. I got up immediately, like nothing had happened, and tried lifting the bike like a macho-man and got burnt by the silencer .By that time, I was surrounded by well-wishers, annoying free advice givers and couple of my friends whom I had called before I tried lifting the bike. The rest of the story involves the magical transformation of the mental and stomach discomfort into physical pain and hearing problem thanks to the countless counselling sessions on bike driving. Anyway, we won’t be digressing into the injury details and the damages to the bike in this lecture. So, coming to the important part, what did we learn from here?
Tip No.1: Never eat a bread omelette before driving.
Tip No.2: Urgent matters are best resolved before driving. In other words, take a dump before you jump (onto the bike).

Accident #2
A fortnight after my first accident, there was a marriage reception in a pompous marriage hall in Mount Road. Free food is not something I am programmed to resist. So, I went, I gorged and I groggily started driving back home. I was listening to 'Endrendrum Punagai' song and I was inclined to poorly impersonate Madhavan because of the song. In a twist of fate, someone listening to the same song in a Maruti 800 in full volume clipped my bike and drove off.
Tip No.3: Imitating Maddy in ‘Endrendrum Punagai’ is best done with a cooling glass and preferably in daylight.

Accident #3 & #4
It took me a while to start driving again and these two accidents are not something I am not proud of. One accident occurred at 5km/hr and other one occurred at a slower speed, almost at rest. And to my horror and everyone else’s humour, both took place inside my college campus. I was the laughing stock until a classmate of mine did a daring stunt with a TVS 50 inside the college and seized the coveted honour.
Tip No.4: It is better to fall at higher speeds and endure physical agony than fall at lower speeds and tolerate humiliation. The physical agony heals faster.

Accident #5
Being on time has never been my forte. And the inevitable happened when I decided to be on time for a Gas Dynamics and Jet Propulsion lecture on a Friday morning. A girl, who was seriously bad at crossing roads, happened to cross the road after getting down at Anna University bus stand. I have no idea how she missed a black pulsar coming right at her and I have no idea why I didn’t hit the brakes like in the CEAT tyre ads. I dashed her and we fell down and, for a moment, I hoped that this would be a fairy tale beginning to a wonderful love life. But when I saw her chudidhar torn at questionable places, I had to shed the Tamil hero image and assume the role of a modern day Dushasana. I was terribly injured and thankfully one of my friends came out of nowhere and said, "Macha, yaaro kizha vizhundhadha paathen, nee dhan irupen nu anticipate panni vandhen da."  I missed the class and the entire week after that.
Tip No.5: To stop the bike, put the brake. 
Tip No.6: Make sure you tell the world about your accidents. Don't feel embarrassed. There will be a savior watching out for you.


Accident #6
This is the final accident and quite a serious one. Quite aptly, it took place in Kannammapetai, the significance of which Chennai folks might know. I was supposed to go to my project leader's house to type the project thesis as the bright minds of my project group felt I had to contribute something for our not so epic project. I wore a brand new Jockey tracksuit, for which I had got a Jockey underwear free. Somewhere in Kannammapettai road, a water lorry had started and moved 200 meters on that road in 15 minutes. Meanwhile, I drove from Adyar and was right on time to be behind the lorry and made sure the lorry driver frustrated me. I guess the lorry driver was a fan of Gandalf as his mind voiced echoed, "You shall not pass." I tried overtaking him from the left as a dutiful Indian citizen but skidded and strayed under the back wheels of the lorry. Fortunately, the lorry was going too slow to ascend a huge speed-breaker, which was me. My costume was disintegrated and I realized my brand new Jockey outfit was not designed to withstand such high shear stress. And I couldn't fail to notice the irony when my clothes were torn after what had happened to the girl in the previous accident. I recovered in a month and thanks to the sympathy vote, I got 'A Grade' in microprocessor lab exam without even attending it. And I never typed the thesis and thus my effective contribution towards the project was -1% as I had to disturb my project mates to give me a ride home.
Tip No.7: Never mess with a water lorry.
Tip No.8: Never mess with any lorry.
Tip No.9: Do not contribute to anything against your will.  It affects you mentally while driving.


I hope it was a very informative post and I would like to conclude this post with a cult quote from a wise man, who taught me the art of driving a bike:
"Every great bike accident consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The bike driver shows you his bike. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if the brakes are working. But of course... it probably isn't. He pledges that he is a careful driver. The second act is called "The Turn". The biker takes the ordinary bike and makes it do something extraordinary like falling while taking a turn, thus getting hurt badly. Now you're looking for the wound... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking or he is tactfully hiding it. You don't really want to know. You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because falling down isn't enough; you have to get back on the bike and drive again. That's why every bike accident has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige"." 



Monday, October 24, 2011

Unconventional Methods of Bursting Conventional Crackers

          "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."
This cult dialogue is apparently inspired from the festival that holds epochal significance for oil baths more than crackers nowadays. The excitement that surrounds Diwali is exponentially decreasing and has hit a rock bottom this time because of a small time film called Ra.One. Apart from that, Diwali evokes some sense of global concern to issues such as pollution and child labor, for which people do not give a rat's ass otherwise. People have just gotten lazy to burst crackers. This might be due to the fact that they are bored of the conventional crackers and the same old way the crackers burst. That brings us to the importance of the unconventional title of  yet another conventional post. In this post, we shall be discussing the different ways of bursting various crackers, with the help of an unconventional tool called PDC. Don't get flabbergasted now. PDC is an acronym for Poorly Drawn Comics.

Indian crackers can be broadly classified as follows:

Over the years, we would have burst all kind of crackers and eventually lost the enthusiasm to burst them again. Here are few ways to revive the forgotten art of bursting crackers. 

1. Flower Pots
Every Diwali morning, people start their bursting sessions with a Bhusvanam or a flower pot to please their grandmothers as flower pots, for no apparent reason, signify prosperity. This may or may not be true but what is certainly true is that these flower pots are endangered species. People have lost interest in crackers that do not emit sound less than 10 dB. We strongly hope that the following unconventional ways might inspire you to lay your hands on a flower pot again. 




2. Rockets
It is not exciting when you know that your rockets won't cross even half the distance of Dr. Vijay's long jump in Vettaikaran. Rockets can be fun if used in a game called "Counter Ra.One". The objective of the game is to hit the omnipresent Ra.One bill boards or posters and points will be awarded accordingly. Here is a PDC illustrating the physics involved in such a game. 




3. The Bonfire Disposition
This method is for the people who want to burn their crackers as quickly as possible, so that they can go back home and watch the new movie aired in Sun TV. As the name indicates, make a bonfire using the cracker dabbas and throw each and every cracker one by one. Might be fun as long as you don't throw a rocket, which might follow the "Actual Trajectory#2" and disappoint your girl friend or wife.

4. Otha Vedis
'Otha', in this context, refers to the single sound made by a cracker and not the expletive often heard at the roadsides or at colleges or at work places or anywhere in and around Tamil Nadu. These vedis often have a Hindu deity's name and their etymologies can seldom be traced. These are extremely boring vedis even for the most avid lover of crackers. At best, these can be burst on your hands, in case you want to impress the girl next door, or thrown at people or thrown into the bonfire as mentioned above. You can also poorly enact this scene from Dark Knight (see picture below) using 'Otha Vedis', but I advise you not to trust the ignition time of our crackers. Sometimes they burst instantaneously and most of the times, they take eternity.


There are many other crackers and many other innovative methods to burst them, but none of them will give you immense satisfaction relief as watching Ra.One. The only way to be relieved from the curse of Ra.One advertisements is by watching the movie as soon as possible. For all you know, SRK might take help from Nolan and promote Ra.One in our dreams. Hurry to the theaters now! Happy Ra.One Diwali Folks! 

Sunday, August 21, 2011

How You Must Celebrate Madras Day!



Did you know that Francis Day is the reason why Madras Day is celebrated? So when is Francis Day celebrated? Do not Google. Read this to know the answer. In case you know the answer, read this anyway.


For most of us, Madras Day is about celebrating the rich history of the city by cleaning and white-washing the heritage sites for the occasion, eating traditional Madras meals and speaking Tamil in the coveted Madras slang. I am not sure about the last part though. For a few geeks, it is about indulging themselves in crazy trivia about Madras and boasting about the same. For others, it’s about watching a Tamil movie and saying Tamil movies are the best. Chennai (Madras),the capital of Tamil Nadu, is also the capital for Tamil movies aka Kollywood. So, for this Madras Day I shall try my best to convince people how Tamil Cinema is on par with Hollywood, if not better.


The youth of today always come out exasperated after watching a Tamil Cinema. They compare Tamil Cinema with Hollywood and complain it isn’t up to the mark. First of all, we must understand the fact that the directors here are not given the freedom that is given to the Hollywood directors. Let me elucidate. Ever seen a Quentin Tarantino movie without the word “fuck” used in it? If I ask Tarantino to make a movie without “fuck”, he would probably quit making films and work in a Tea Kadai. Yes my friends, this one word is what gives Tarantino movies the cult status.. How much better would Tamil Cinema be if the word “Otha” was used as much as “fuck” is used? It would certainly be phenomenal. But sadly to our dismay, the cult word is replaced by annoying beeps. 


We also take pride in ridiculing our Tamil movies or songs by claiming that they have been copied from a foreign source. The basic assumption we are making here is that we believe Hollywood movies are original. But the underlying truth is that they are far from original. Be it Nolan's Batman trilogy or Jackson's LOTR trilogy, we could say the movies were copied from an awesome comic and a splendid book respectively. But instead, we use euphemisms such as ' the comic served as an inspiration for the Nolan brothers' or 'the movie was well adapted from the novel'. If a movie has a scene similar to a scene in another movie, we label it as 'Pop-culture reference' ,or worse, we call it as a tribute to some Tom, Dick and Harry. But when it comes to Tamil Cinema, we mercilessly slaughter our own people for being a third rated thief. Music directors are at the receiving end of most of this barrage of abuse. The latest in the accusation list is Mankatha's title song, which has an uncanny resemblance to Shakthi Masala's ad jingle. It is plain ridiculous. However, we shamelessly praise Atticus Ross and Trent Reznor for their Oscar for Best Original Score even though they copied (remixed is the euphemism here) Edvard Greig's 150 year old song. Edvard Greig must be a proud man, while I am a disappointed man pitying the mentality of our folks.


Another popular topic of discussion for the nitpickers is about the exaggerated action sequences in our Tamil Movies. We are such hypocrites. We exalt Indiana Jones to epic levels but put down our own Captain by complaining that he is trash. Both perform the same gravity defying stunts and emerge unscathed despite the odds stacked against them. We watch a light-saber fight between a father and a son with so much involvement but ridicule a sword fight between our own Rajnikanth and Kamal Hassan in Allaudhinum Arpudha Vilakkum. We fall for the light-saber fight just because the swords have some fancy lights and one of the persons fighting dons a cool black costume and has a strange voice. We are major victims of such pretentious things. 


Ladies and Gentlemen, it is high time we appreciate the beauty of Tamil Cinema. If we can't back our own cinema, then who will? We should take inspiration from legends like Arindam Chaudhuri and promote our cinema as the best in the world. Tamil Cinema is true cinema. It caters to the needs of all people. It is made for the greater good. It is God’s own cinema. So this Madras day, wherever you are, I want you to watch a Tamil movie and then go, open your window, stick your head out and yell “"I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Huh? Sounds inappropriate, right? Well, just shout something. Something appropriate. About Tamil Cinema. And do us all proud.


If you are still reading this gibberish hoping to find the answer for the question at the beginning, then here it is. Francis Day was the person who purchased Madras from a local chief called Damarla Venkatappa Nayak. You will never forget this funda right? After all, I put you through so much pain to learn this. Your inquisitiveness is appreciated.
Happy Madras Day!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

I am Back!

Voila!
Look who is back after a hiatus of 2 months! Yes, it is me. Barclays Premier League. I am sorry I had to take two months off. I had to give my accomplice, Mr. Transfer Market, a chance to make me more exciting. I must say he has done an excellent job by tinkering with most of the parts in my body. Oh yeah, I refer to the teams as my body parts. For example, my derriere is called Chelsea and my crotch is called Manchester City. Transfer Market has spent a lot for my crotch by giving me something called Price Aguero's piercing akin to Prince Albert's piercing. Although the prospects are exciting, I am not comfortable when people spend so much for just one part. Anyway, if you guys have any questions regarding this season or anything in general, shoot'em.

Arsenal Fan: Hi BPL. I am an Arsenal fan. What do you think about Arsenal prospects this season?
BPL: I didn't expect such a difficult question early on. To be honest, Arsenal's reign at the top of the table will end today. I must say I have been kind to you guys by arranging my teams in an alphabetical order so that you aren't disappointed even during the off season. I happened to see this extremely hilarious video that pretty much sums up my thoughts. Enjoy it. Stan vs Wenger Remix.

Media Guy: I have promised my employers that I shall bring some scintillating news to their desks. Can you give me some tips?
BPL: Ha! How smart of you! I would advise you to have a secret surveillance camera at Manchester City's dressing room. I am sure you can find out who helps Balotelli wear his underwear. Then, don't miss Neil Warnock's post match rants, especially after a poor refereeing decisions. Also make sure you are present when Drogba teaches Lukaku the secret of poor acting.

Liverpool Fan: My question is very simple. Will Liverpool win the title?
BPL: I will align with your euphoric mental state now and positively say that Liverpool will be the eternal champions. Although, I am sure you have heard about The Scouse's Boom Bust Cycle.

Everton Fan: I am disappointed with the riots, which lead to the cancellation of our match. What do you think?
BPL: If I were you, I would be really happy. Considering that you won't be at the bottom of the table after Week 1, it is a dream start for Everton.

Alex Ferguson: Will I have any special favors this season?
BPL: As always, the whistle will not be blown until your team has scored the winner. Referees will be arranged to give penalty kicks in all matches. And, you can give Howard Webb a Man Utd jersey. He said he would like No.13. As you know, I don't have the balls to disappoint you. You will enjoy this season too, Sir.

Fernando Torres: I would like the goal post to be widened by a meter on each side and also an increase in the height of the goal post will be helpful. Is that possible?
BPL: Oh yeah! I will also provide you with a magical broom and a wand to weave your magic in front of the goal.

Joey Barton: Fuck you. I hate this fucking hoopla surrounding this dumb thing. Fuck you, again.
BPL: I was about to ask the security guards to drag you out but I just realised that you were Joey Barton. You are pardoned.

Man City Fan: I was the brainchild behind the Welcome to Manchester Poster. Can you give me an idea for another poster?
BPL: I suggest you work on redecorating your club's logo. You can take inspiration from this sample logo.

That is the end of the question session. Although some of my answers were a bit provocative, I know you guys will love me despite that. You can expect another roller-coaster ride from me this season. I will never cease to excite and I shall never disappoint. Aurevoir!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Transfer Update: Manchester City's Summer Extravaganza

Since the start of the Transfer Window, Manchester City have not hit the headlines as much as they would have liked. While Liverpool and Manchester United have already grabbed the limelight with their star signings, City have hardly managed to find the back pages. Even Mario Balotelli's antics haven't helped City's cause. 
This lack of activity during the "transfer silly season" has infuriated the owner of Manchester City, Mr.Sheikh Mansour. He has given Roberto Mancini a modest €600m to spend on players, who are "special" and have unparalleled footballing abilities. Rumors are afloat that Mancini isn't happy with meager sum as he has scouted for players with phenomenal ability but astronomical prices. This article will attempt to guide you through the minefield of gossip to give you the inside track of what might happen at City in the next two months.
This is the first big name to be associated with Manchester City this summer. Since young British talents are the flavor of the current market, Mancini has had his eye on the young British striker for a couple of months. "Peter Pan is a wonder kid. In fact, he will be a wonder kid even after 20 years," Mancini said, with extra emphasis on the word 'kid'. Mancini is certain to sign the kid and is believed to use him as a second striker to utilize his uncanny ability to score goals with his long nose. Mancini has proved his footballing acumen by securing the services of a "forever"young talent, while his counterparts,Kenny Dalglish and Sir Alex, have spent money on young British players, who will eventually grow old. 

Not content with the plethora of strikers in the club, Manchester City is shockingly linked with Trojan Horse FC striker, Achilles. Since City's style of play includes a couple of unnecessary back heels, Achilles wouldn't be quite suited to the system due to a major injury sustained while swimming in the River Styx. However, Mancini believes that Achilles has the ability to destroy any defenses in the world."I am not signing the old and saggy Brad Pitt. I am signing Achilles, the legendary striker," Mancini fumed, on hearing negative comments about the player. Mancini has stiff competition from various Greek clubs for the player and will probably offer more than €100m to secure the services of Trojan Horse FC's talisman.

Don Vito Corleone has been ironically linked with Manchester City right from when Kolo Toure was banned for using questionable drugs. The speculations have continued this summer and it is conceived that Mancini has a made an offer Vito Corleone can't refuse. However, Don Corleone is mighty unimpressed with Mancini's approach. "I only make offers people can't refuse. No one makes offers I can't refuse," Vito Corleone bellowed in a recent press meet. The deal will not materialize, mostly. 

A number of clubs have shown interest in this versatile player, who is a plumber by profession, midfielder by choice and a defender by compulsion. Due to his plumbing background, it is a general notion that he doesn't leak goals at the back. Hence, it comes as no big surprise that Inter Milan is after him. However, Man City is the favorite to land Super Mario. Mancini is keen on giving Mario Balotelli an egoistical snub by signing his namesake, Super Mario. Mancini expects Mario Balotelli's performance to enhance by this tactical move. Although, it is quite unclear what Mancini has in his mind.

On Saturday evening, it was reported by a reputable website that Man City is set to complete a fantabulous signing of an uncapped, unknown, unprecedented player of the highest quality. If the sources are to be trusted, the player has been virtually made using FIFA-11's "Create your own player" option. He has all the parameters such as agility, ball control, finishing set to a value of 99 on a scale of 100. This news has taken everyone by surprise and Sir Alex has already raised his vociferous opposition to the FA. Mancini,however, was hardly nonplussed with the situation and suggested that his name will down in history as the pioneer of  "Virtual Player Capturing." Everyone is anxiously waiting for FA's & FIFA's reaction towards this saga.


If you have heard about any Transfer rumors related to Manchester City, kindly let us know by commenting below.
  

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Twitter vs Facebook

We live in a world of 'tweets' and 'statuses'. Urinating on the 'wall' and polluting it need not necessarily mean the compound walls of your neighbors' house. Shakespeare in Love would be mercilessly corrupted to Shakespeare in 'Like' for promotional purposes. We are all slaves of Mark Zuckerberg and humble servants of Jack Dorsey . Pathetic attempt at a bombastic intro - Check.
 Not a day goes without us spending time on these social networking sites. This post is certainly not an epic rant about the impact of social networking sites on today's youth. I am certainly over my tenth standard SST paper. In this post, I shall merely elucidate why Twitter is better than Facebook.

1. Limited snubs
Thanks to the concept of "Followers and Followings", Twitter scores a notch above Facebook, which has the concept of "Friends". A girl who snubs your friend request on FB wouldn't mind you stalking her on Twitter because having a lot of followers is prestigious. Hence, above average stalkers like us are saved from the embarrassment of soul-crushing snubs. Although there are guys who try hard to strike a conversation in Twitter but eventually end up getting blocked by the girl. So for a sane person, Twitter is no bane.

2. Celebrities Complex
Though not as serious as the Oedipus or Electra complex, Celebrities complex has its own demerits. For all those people who feel jealous of actors and actresses, Twitter is a place where you need to be to get that jealousy out of you. When you follow their tweets, it will be quite evident that they are no different from you - wanting more followers, wanting more attention , wanting more attention for their dogs or worse, cats. They will get abused by thousands daily and yet pretend nothing happened. Twitter allows us to feel we are no different from the celebrities. Sadly, Facebook doesn't allow us this luxury unless you are a celebrities' friend.

3. Twitter teaches terseness
If you can't sell a Justin Beiber Music CD with 140 characters, you can't possibly sell it with 14000 characters. Twitter finds your lack of brevity disturbing.It teaches the value of each character and makes us avoid unnecessary fillers like "hmmm, ummm,eeeee,oooohh,loooool." Though, I wouldn't advise an Anna University student to tweet regularly, as his semester exams solely depend on the 14000+ characters of crap he writes.

4. Spams are very few
The number of spams in Facebook is tantamount to the number of stars in the Galaxy. Everyone is curious to know how Osama was killed or curious to know which friend stalks you. And due to these spams, you will have a group of people putting status messages showing off that they were ingenious enough not to click on those spams and hence, inadvertently,spamming about spams. And there will be a person who expresses his/her grudge towards people who spam about spam. And this spam about spamming about spam will put the Monty Python's Spam sketch to shame. However, there are no spamming issues in Twitter unless you follow @rioferdy5.

5. Hash-tag your way to glory
Twitter is the only place that tolerates your haphazard use of hash-tags. And more than that, your tweets appear in searches related to that hash-tagged item too! You can be famous in a short while if you hash-tag the right words. Here is an example:
Wrong usage: #Tonight I can haz Sex on the Beach.
Correct usage: Tonight I can haz #Sex on the Beach.

As you can see, Twitter is clearly a better place to be and it has many more advantages, which an amateur tweeter might not be aware of. And Twitter is not all that complicated as people make it seem like with words like RT,DM,TL,OB,ZJ,XD and etc. Twitter is an Utopian place filled with wannabes, snobs, shameless self-promoters, anonymous flirts and,most importantly, stalkers like you and me.

PS: As a voracious stalker, it is my duty to let you know that my twitter handle is @lowfundaboy and I would follow you for free.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Google Doodle: Happy Birthday Karunanidhi!

Here is a Google Doodle that Dennis Hwang should have made. His lack of respect towards our eternal leader appalls me. This doodle reflects Mr. Karunanidhi's pensive mood in this dire circumstances and hence won't contain his trademark lustrous yellow towel. Once again, Happy Birthday, Sir! May you live 100 years and be part of the 3G scam.

Yes, Google home page should be in Tamil as a mark of respect..
Inspired from an article in Faking News.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Tihar Break

Pilot Episode
The following content is best after listening to the theme song, which you can listen here.


Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Multi-Level Connect TK

Without any boring introductions, here are the questions.
Oh yeah, 8 simple questions. The answers of those questions connect to a theme. Identify the theme too. 


8. What does this map show?

7. X was written 
    • —over a 1500 year span (from 1400 B.C to A.D. 100)
    • —over 40 generations
    • —over 40 authors from many walks of life (i.e. - kings, peasants, philosophers, fishermen, poets, statesmen, scholars)
    • —in different places (i.e. - wilderness, dungeon, palaces)
    • —at different times (i.e. - war, peace)
    • —in different moods (i.e. - heights of joy, depths of despair)
    • —on three continents (Asia, Africa, and Europe)
    • Identify —X?
6. Which famous person does this rage comic parody?

5. —X was first surveyed in 1861 by Robert Bagot, who changed the ground’s configuration into what is today’s conventional oval. It previously was an irregular hexagon with a band rotunda in the northern corner.The arena remained virtually unchanged until it was re-modelled to international athletics specifications and a cinder track was installed for the Olympic Games in November 1956.Today it is the eighth largest ground in the world and one of the sporting wonders. X?

4. Fill in the blanks.



3. Whose films are these? 
  • Kiss
  • Handjob
  • —Blowjob
  • —Mario Banana
  • —Tub girls
  • —Nude restaurant
  • —Kiss the boot
  • —Taylor Mead's Ass
  • —Blue Movie
2.—Freebie marketing, also known as the ________ model, is the concept of either giving away a salable item for nothing or charging an extremely low price to generate a continual market for another, generally disposable, item.Who pioneered this concept?

1. The X was created by Jim Delligatti, one of Ray Kroc's earliest franchisees, who was operating several
 restaurants in the Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania area.  It was designed to compete with a similar Big Boy sandwich. Customer response to the X was so good that it rolled out nationally in 1967. One of its most distinctive feature is a middle slice of bread used to stabilize contents and prevent spillage. X?   









Tuesday, May 10, 2011

O(b/s)ama Video Games: The Dawn of the New Era in Gaming

Disclaimer: This is not another Osama Bin Laden spam content. So, you can safely read the following content at your own discretion. 


Howdy,
We, at Challenj Entertainments, challengingly  present O(b/s)ama video games for all homo-sapiens, who can touch their left ear with their right hand sans any struggle. Our game designers have come out with original, innovative, well sketched ideas for the O(b/s)ama video games and we require you to vote for your favorite game. The game with maximum number of votes will be available in Richie Street as early as possible. We also request you to suggest additional features for the games so that we will know there are people who have a dumber sense of imagination than our game designers. Without any further poor attempt at jokes, here are the challenging games. 


1. Oba-Man
Oba-Man is a simple arcade game, in which the player controls Oba-Man through a maze, eating cereal dots and collecting mails to track his arch enemy Osa-Man. Of course there are few apprentices of Osa-Man, who will thwart our protagonist's progress.Do you think you can outfox them and track the mails? Yes, I hope you can.  Here is how a simple level will look like. 



Due to technical errors never encountered before, it is virtually impossible to complete Oba-Man. If a player manages to collect all the mails properly and waits eagerly with his mouth wide open to face Osa-Man in the next level, he will unfortunately face Mr. Donald Trump. Our game designers are perplexed and have absolutely no clue on how to solve this error. If many people vote for this game, we shall employ our best minds to rectify the error.

Split-Screen level

2. Battle City: Mission Abbottabad
Battle City is 1 player/ 2 player game designed especially for the kids as there is no questionable content in the game. In fact, there is no content at all. The player, controlling a tank , must protect Mr. Osama residing in the brick house from various enemies. Enemies include a fully armed Jack Bauer with infinite bullets, a glib talker in Obama and a man who must not be named by mere mortals with his aruval. A rough layout of the game is shown here. It may seem to be pretty ordinary but the gaming experience is unbeatable and to face enemies of such epic proportions is very rare these days. We are  positively hoping this game will garner maximum votes as there are no complexities involved in its making. 


3. Contra-Ception
Contra-Ception is an action/adventure game, in which two US Marine Corps,under direct orders from President Obama, hunt for the father of countless children, Osama, . Only this time, it is not to capture and kill the man but to stop him from copulating. Quite aptly titled Contra-Ception huh? There are 5 levels in the game and the names reflect what Osama is doing at that moment.

  •  Level 1: Jungle- Subtle reference to Osama's beard as he scratches it before making love. And yes, it is his beard. Nothing else.
  • Level 2: Base-1 - First Base. You need any explanation?
  • Level 3: Waterfall - Refers to Osama's nonchalant fashion of excreting liquid waste from his body. Poor joke. Sadly, that is what our game designers are capable of.
  • Level 4: Base - 2 - Second Base. Actually if you really want some details, read this
  • Level 5: Osama's Lair - The metaphor is quite obvious.

Here is a screen shot of the final level where the soldier has to tackle Osama's balls of fury.                                                  
Shoot at the right ball and you shall prevail


4. Bomber-dude
This game is set in the trophy cabinet room of Arsenal,where Osama Bin Laden is taking refuge. Little does he know that there are not enough trophies in the room to even hide the mole on his butt. The task of bomber-dude is to drive out Osama from his hiding by bombing the trophy cabinet room. But, here is the catch. If one of the bomb explodes in the vicinity of a trophy, Bomber-dude will be castrated by a specially appointed jury by Arsene Wenger. Arsenal fans cannot afford to lose the few trophies they possess. This game is the toughest of the lot.
The cups in this room are holier than The Holy Grail. 

5. Stage-Fighters 2
What is a compilation of video games without the age old one on one combats? Stage Fighters-2 is one of those games you would want to play the whole night without texting girl friends or watching porn or both. The game features a roster of eight playable characters that could be selected by the player.  In the single-player tournament, the player faces off against the other four main characters, before proceeding to the final opponent, which is a non-selectable CPU-controlled boss opponent, known as the "Captain".
Playable Characters
  • Justin, a baby faced assassin from USA with powers ranging from the sub-sonic range to ultra-sonic range.
  • Rebecca, a female martial artist from USA, seeking to avenge people who yearn for weekends.
  • Sreesanth, a peace loving Yoga master from India.
  • Osama, a peekaboo champion from Saudi Arabia with powers of apparating and disapparating at will.
  • Obama, an intelligent rogue on a quest to discover his place of origin.

Computer Boss
  • Captain, a police officer with the knowledge of all martial arts but prefers to employ the drunken monkey style.



On a Friday, Rebecca is unbeatable. Even Justin will bite the dust

There are other games in the pipeline such as Super Osama Bros, The Legend of Obama, Immortal Kombat which we will present to you in another disastrously boring mail. For now, do not forget to vote for your favorite game. Your expert opinions and suggestions are welcome but do not hope to take the credit away from our game designers. Thank you.
                                                                                           
Yours challengingly,                             
CEO/VP/HR/Peon of Challenj Entertainments

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Infinite Loop Rage Comic

Dedicated to all Arsenal fans.  We understand your feelings. 


                           


Thursday, April 14, 2011

To Vote or Not to Vote

It is with great displeasure I announce that I have failed to cast my vote as a dutiful citizen. Spare me the condescending look. I haven't committed any crime, have I? Oh well, if I have committed a crime, I sincerely apologize. In my defence, with India just winning the world cup and IPL's rare occurrence once in twelve months, I almost took my mind off the elections. Moreover people's obscure status messages, such as 49-O, didn't help me either as I genuinely thought those were cricket scores. My bad. The difference between 0 and O still eludes me. However, I feel better off without voting.

Again,don't give me that dirty look.Frankly, I couldn't bring myself to choose one extremely civil, honest and sincere candidate over another. It was like Sophie's choice, only this time, I was to choose from a battalion of righteous politicians.I was advised by my grand father to vote for anyone but DMK. That is supposed to be a secret.Anyway,if I had voted against DMK, my conscience would have pricked me just like how it pricks me every time I steal a poori or chapathi or both from my brother's plate. There are people out there,who claim DMK should be chased out of the scene and the family business should be put to an end. All this antagonism due to one small time con act popularly known as the 2G scam. Every coin has two sides, my friend. The other side is what we really care about. What would our families do without Sun TV, Kalaignar TV, Sun Music, Isai Aruvi, Chuti TV, Adithya, Siruppoli et al? How can one have the heart to vote against DMK when one succumbs to their assets so shamelessly? Heck, even Endhiran wouldn't have been possible without Sun Pictures. Honestly, do we care about the 2G scam or Endhiran and various other movies produced by Sun Pictures? This family has done so much for the well-being of an average Tamizhan. This family is awesome. This family is the Corleones of the modern era. I can't understand how people can hate this family. I am deeply disturbed and I can't fathom the hypocritical behaviour of the masses. For those who voted against them, I can only say your judgement is as good as an engineering student's, who decides to pursue MS in the USA to get laid easily.

Next up is the AIADMK. I am a person who takes the old saying " Maatha,Pitha,Guru,Rajni" a bit too seriously. Jayalalitha aka Amma aka Puratchi Thalaivi  is to Tamil Nadu as what Wonder Woman is to the Justice League. Power. Guts.Grit. Not the skimpy outfits though. Moreover, I would hate to be branded as a sexist. As an ardent MGR fan, I would have felt terribly upset if I had voted against her. And I have never seen a politician in India speak half as eloquently as her. Check this interview out with Karan Thapar and you will know. I would also miss the live coverage of arrests if you know what I mean. I hope the almighty forgives you sinners who have not voted for the most electrifying women in Tamil Nadu history.

If I had voted for one of the above mentioned parties, I would have received scrutiny from the 'educated' friends of mine, who believe that well learned independent candidates are the flavor of the younger generation. I have to agree with them. Also, I heard rumours that if you vote for Mr. Sharath Babu and get 99.9 %le in CAT and get 95% in your 10th and 12th and have a work experience of 4-5 years, you get a seat in one of the IIM's. If I am not voting for him, I would miss a great opportunity which I can't afford to lose.

You understand, don't you? I was caught in a fix.I was helpless. I was cornered. I couldn't compromise for one person over the other. It is easy to go and blindly cast your vote and show off that you have voted like you have surfed with the sharks in the Pacific. But, deep inside, you know everyone is as good as the other and you have made a terrible choice in choosing one and ignoring the other. All of them are fit to rule this state or even the country. You can't vote for all of them, can you? "Voting is a statutory duty not a luxury" echoed in my ears frantically. Then, someone gave me the bright idea of using the 49-O option, which I disregarded immediately. Doing that would be a disgrace to everyone and I could never do that. The next option,not the best though, was not to vote. At least I am able to live without any rotten remorse or abject fear of being burnt while taking a leak.

PS: I am a Vijayakanth fan and hence it is incumbent I don't vote against him.







Thursday, April 7, 2011

TK#146-TK#150

After a hiatus, TK is back with a whimper. 
146. During the First World War, X (a football club) supported the war effort by allowing the ground to be used as a rifle range for military training. On the outbreak of the Second World War, all outdoor sport was banned by the Government until safety implications could be assessed. When football resumed a few weeks later, X's Chief Constable ordered the ground's closure because of its proximity to probable air-raid targets such as the Y munitions factories. The matter was first raised in Parliament in November 1939, but the Home Secretary felt unable to intervene. By March 1940, when Z (X's ground) had for some time been the only football ground in England still closed, the Chief Constable bowed to public pressure, and a crowd of 13,241 witnessed X's first home game in more than six months. X,Y and Z?
Answer: X- Birmingham FC Y- BSA Z- St.Andrew's


147. Quiksilver is one of the world's largest manufacturers of surfwear and other boardsport-related equipment. Its logo is inspired from which famous work?
File:Quiksilver-brand.svg
Answer: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Wave_off_Kanagawa


148.  According to X, his interest in Y (a subject) began with Isaac Asimov's Foundation novels, in which the social scientists of the future use "psychohistory" to attempt to save civilization. Since "psychohistory" in Asimov's sense of the word does not exist, X turned to Y, which he considered the next best thing. X and Y?
Answer: X- Paul Krugman Y- Economics


149. X test is a s a psychological test in which subjects' perceptions of inkblots are recorded and then analyzed using psychological interpretation, complex scientifically derived algorithms, or both. Which comic character gets his name from this?



Answer: Rorschach

150. Why is this music track (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnmPHGoXWBc) kinda apt for the movie? (Poorly framed. Kindly adjust.)
Answer: When the music notes of this song are represented in a staff and the notes are joined dot to dot..it forms a V. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

India Vs Pakistan: A Detailed Analysis

In the months leading up to the World Cup, this mouth-watering fixture was always talked about. Everyone wished that these two arch rivals pit their cricketing wits against each other. And Ravi Shastri secretly hoped that he could use the phrase "Mother of All Games" in this world cup. Well, he wasn't disappointed. Now, whenever there is a match of such epic proportions, it is human attitude to dust the old books and come up with mind-boggling statistics. The stats-gurus dig in so deep and try so hard to give us irrelevant statistics like: "Whenever Laxman Sivaramakrishnan commentates, Sehwag gets out" or "Whenever Navjot Sidhu wears a purple turban (and a green tie), it is a good omen for Sachin". Good omen for Sachin might not be the same for millions watching those hideous colors on TV. All said and done, statistics are really interesting and always make up for a nice read. Here is a detailed analysis of India-Pakistan clashes in all forms of cricket. And yes, that includes Gilli-dandaFrench Cricket, Book Cricket and Hand Cricket.


Gilli-Danda
Gilli-Danda is, and I quote Ravi Shastri, the "Mother of All Forms of Cricket". Technically, there has never been a Gilli-Danda World Cup as the Aussies refused to play a sport without any balls. Hence, it was an informal tournament between Indian and Pakistan just after the independence. The match was supposed to be played within the spirit of the game but hell broke loose when Aamir Sohail's grandfather disrespectfully asked   Venkatesh Prasad's grandfather to fetch the Gilli. That was the last time a Gilli-Danda match between Indian and Pakistan took place.
Gilli-Danda: Head to Head Record


French Cricket
This informal,rather complicated, version of cricket is the only form that hasn't been mastered by the teams from the sub-continent. The number of runs scored is equal to the number of times one revolves the bat around his hips until the ball is touched by the fielder. Big name players such as Inzamam Ul-Haq, Ramesh Powar aren't particularly huge fans of the game. India-Pakistan match was the dullest affair that took place in the tournament in France and both teams were disqualified for their "mischievous banter" about the game. However, few Indians and Pakistanis are members of the elite group with strike rate below 100( in French Cricket, a strike rate below 100 is considered to be very rare and very unimpressive).

Strike rate is measured by the formula RPM*100/Hip Size


Book Cricket
This form of cricket has had so many World Cups at so many venues and yet, the lack of media coverage still haunts this sport. The following statistics will concentrate on a particular small time school in Dubai called as Our Own English High School,Dubai. The major World Cups take place daily in the classrooms of VIII 'A' and VIII 'B'. Despite being one of the simplest forms of cricket, book cricket has had its own share of controversy. The Indians wanted to use a huge book by R.D.Sharma while the Pakistanis wanted to use a book that had page numbers in Urdu to confuse the Indians. After several debates, Lord of the Rings was chosen as the book but was discarded due to the hardly visible page numbers it had. At present, players generally use any book that they can catch hold of during the match. 
The head to head record of India-Pakistan encounters is not available due to improper documentation and contempt shown by the media. However, here is a pie-chart showing some grueling statistics about book cricket. Pakistan might hold an edge over India according to this data. 

Indians tend to be over enthusiastic and take the Glossary page quite often.
When they calm down, they take the Index page


Pakistanis tend to mark the pages ending with 6 quite brilliantly


Hand Cricket
This form of cricket should not be confused with Oongli cricket, a corruption of Hand Cricket by Idea. Hand Cricket has had its own ups and downs and the Pakistanis are responsible for the the downs. Pakistan has never lost a single match in Hand Cricket thanks to their flamboyant player's six-fingered alter ego. Yes, Kamran Akmal is a formidable player in this form of cricket and has never gotten out. All nations have withdrawn from IHCC (International Hand Cricket Council) until Kamran retires. 


No one knows how Kamran manages to start an innings with a score above 1000

Looks like Pakistan has the better record over India in these forms of cricket. But the Indians are not impressed by statistics and they don't care about history either. " Well of course, at the end of the day, it is important how we play our cricket on the day" said a very confident M.S. Dhoni. Let us hope he plays the right people for the match and then play the right cricket to win the match. 

PS: For a less detailed but reasonable analysis , please read this.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Karunanidhi,Jayalalitha deny election campaign at Chepauk. Vijayakanth offended.


Chennai.Following the promotion of 'Dum Maaro Dum' in the India-South Africa nail-biter at Nagpur, rumours are afloat that big names in Tamil Nadu politics will promote themselves in the India-West Indies match at Chepauk. With just few days left for the election, socio-political scientist and versatile vaudevillian veteran, Mr.T.Rajendar, suggested that this campaign would define the course of the election. "Cricket matches in Chepauk have always yielded a larger number of people who come to watch cricket," he said, in a very thoughtful tone, before adding, “I think both Mr.Karunanidhi and Ms. Jayalalitha will speak to the crowd between overs and present their cases vociferously. But, Mr.Vijayakanth will be one to watch out for". Despite the smooth interview, Mr.T.Rajendar suffered from a psychological break-down as he couldn't implement his trademark rhyming dialogues in any of his sentences. 

Amma reveals her crush on Piyush
Ms.Jayalalitha, however, vehemently denied the reports and expressed her opinion in an irate manner. “Can’t I even see a match peacefully at Chepauk? I am a huge fan of Indian Cricket Team and using a cricket match as a platform for election is very disrespectful," she fumed. "Moreover, I am sick of listening to Ravi Shastri's commentary and the best way to get rid of that is by watching the match live at Chepauk," she said, taking an unexpected dig at Ravi Shastri. On the lighter side, she answered questions which weren't political quite cheerfully. "Piyush Chawla is my favourite bowler. The way he bowls..you know..I don't know what to say..Umm..His balls are awesome," she stammered, out of unbridled excitement.


"I am the only 'Captain' in this country"
Mr.Karunanidhi was an animated figure as he thrashed the election campaign claims by Dubakur Daily as 'preposterous' and 'fake'. He said he had plans with his third wife on March 20th and didn't even care for the match as much as he cared for his hair. But the presence of forty yellow towels on the chairs in the Pavilion stand from March 16th didn't help his cause. However, Karunanidhi was quick to his defence and retorted “I have three wives. Each wife has at least three sons. And each son should be having at least two wives. And each wife must have two sons and a daughter. Now, do the math and tell me if forty seats are enough for them."

Mr.Vijayakanth, who has been avoiding the journalists since these claims had sprung up, obliged to give his expert opinion on the matter. "I am not a fan of cricket or football or any team game. If a group of people is led by a person, he should be called a 'Team Leader' or a 'Group Leader' and certainly not a 'Captain'. The meaning of the word 'Captain' has been diluted and I honestly feel offended," said a visibly upset Vijayakanth. “I am the only 'Captain' in this country," he thundered at the end of the interview and left for his lunch hurriedly. 

Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Chuck Norris of Cricket


Look! I can hold five balls at a time without gloves. 
With gloves,it is a different story all together.
He was just another Pakistani cricketer when he started his career in 2002. He caught the attention of the media for his Bugs Bunny like teeth, which is used as case-study in the dentist schools in the sub-continent. His career growth increased slowly but steadily and in recent times his cricketing prowess has overshadowed even Sachin Tendulkar. Now, he is every Pakistani bowler's nightmare, a batsman's talisman and his reputation is such that pundits such as Ravi Shastri and Navjot Sidhu have christened him as the Chuck Norris of cricket. Ladies and Gentlemen, he is none other than Kamran Akmal. Due to his sudden raise to fame, 'Heavily Not Enough' Production company has received several scripts which demand Kamran's presence as a lead actor. Since, we at 'Heavily Not Enough' Production Company find every script as shambolic as the other, we request your inputs to make these scripts a wee bit better so that we attain unimaginable profits. 



12 Lakh Angry Men

This is a low budget movie as it has only one scene in which Kamran faces the public to defend his performance in the world cup. What follows is a one hour Mark Antony-esque speech that wins the hearts of the angry men and shifts the blame on his own brother, Umar Akmal. Here is an excerpt from that speech.
Akmal: Friends, Enemies, Terrorists, Match-fixers and countrymen, lend me your ears. I have come to bury Akmal, not to praise him.
First Citizen: Methinks there is no reason in his sayings. Let us burn him alive.

Catch Me If You Can

This is an animation-psychological thriller: a new approach in the world of cinema claims the script-writer. The movie follows the life of a budding wicket-keeper who faces hallucinations of anthromorphic images of cricket balls talking to him. As literacy in his area is below par, Kamran can't quite follow the words spoken by the balls initially. Every time Kamran keeps the wicket, he is tortured by this balls  which taunt him by saying "Catch me if you can". The mysterious plot unfolds slowly and ends with a riveting climax where Kamran discovers the hallucinations are not images of cricket balls but his own.

One Flew Over The Keeper's Head

Kamran Akmal pretends to be a wicket-keeper to escape the dog-like running in the outfield and to hide his hideous bowling skills in the cricket selection. The cricket selectors are astounded by Kamran's talent and select him when he gathers 5 balls at a time (See picture) and gives a triumphant look. He tries to liven the matches up a bit by dropping dollies and missing stumpings, but the media is after him at every turn. How Kamran emerges successful against all odds forms the crux of the story. The script has no ending but the script writer says he has planned for 3 sequels : Two flew over the Keeper's Head, Three flew over the Keeper's Head and Many flew over the Keeper's head.


Dr.Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Catching and Drop the Ball


Kamran is supposed to play three roles for this movie. The roles are: a wicket-keeper, a wicket-keeper who drops catches and a part time scientist and wicket-keeper suffering from Alien Hand Syndrome. This movie promises to be a laugh riot for all ardent cricket fans. The movie ends with Kamran taking a blinder of a catch of a no-ball and exclaims with joy " Captain! I can catch! " but fails to appreciate the irony.


Other half-baked scripts include: To Catch a Ball, Cool Hand Kamran, Snatch, Invasion of the Ball Snatcher. Kamran will play the pivotal role of the wicket-keeper in all the movies. This is the first time 'Heavily Not Enough' Production Company has received so many scripts designed for just one person. Rumors are going on that we will have many scripts adapted from popular books shown in the comic below. 




Courtesy: Cricinfo



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