Indian English is our English

Dear Readers,

Recently, the leading newspaper in this side of the Cooum river, Dubakur Daily, conducted a competition to promote the prominence of Indian English through mainstream media. The competition was to reproduce cult movie quotes in Indian English and the top 10 altered quotes were to be published in the paper. One would expect such competitions to be a hit among the masses but it was not to be so. This was because of the increasing number of elitists in the society who ridicule the common people who speak Indian English. These are the people who spell 'centre' as 'center' in the phrase 'centre of attraction'. These are the people who cringe when someone makes an innocent grammatical mistake. What is wrong in saying 'cannot able to'? The meaning of the sentence is remotely affected due to such trivial mistakes, yet these elitists mock the patriotic Indian citizens who want to use our own form of English. Why can't we carve an identity for ourselves with our own form of English? Take a look at the top 8 entries for the competition mentioned above and decide for yourself. These cult movie dialogues have just become so much better with our own Indian English.

8. Usual Suspects

Original dialogue: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that..he's gone!
Indian edition:

7. Appolo 13

Original dialogue: Houston, we have a problem. 

Indian edition:

6. A Few Good Men

6*. Godfather

4. Terminator

Original Dialogue: I'll be back.

Better version: 

3. Any James Bond movie.

2. Taxi Driver

Original dialogue: You talkin' to me?
Best ever version:

1. Scarface

Original dialogue: Say hello to my little friend.

Better version:

Didn't I tell you these cult dialogues sound even better in Indian English? You are the best judge. I hope you can able to understand and I hope you won't mock these people like anything. Indian English is here to stay and prosper..with or without your help. 

Thanks and Regards,

Editor. 

Art of Making Noncontroversial Cinema

Django Unchained Unraveled

These movie critics get really excited whenever a new movie releases. It is a chance for their reviews to attain rave reviews. These critiques are also reviewed by other movie critiques and some bloggers who are desperate to strike a conversation with the movie critics on Twitter. However, this post is not one of those reviews about reviews about movie reviews. This article belongs to the burgeoning trend of dissecting trailers or "hey, look, I can fucking think like the director and I can direct better than him if I get a chance and I can make better trailers too" by aspiring movie critics, who are self-proclaimed 'reading into the director's mind' experts. 

Let us go into the minds of these people, who go into the minds of the directors, and dissect the latest trailer of Django Unchained directed by Quentin Tarantino. I am sure the movie had your curiosity, but now it will have your attention. Watch the trailer before you start reading the dissection.

1. The first scene of the trailer starts with some profound words, which might or might not have been left by Quentin Tarantino. However, similar messages have been shown at the beginning of his previous films such as <list Tarantino's movies>. It is odd that Tarantino sticks to this message despite the different genres of movies he directs. Oh wait, this message looks like it is from the Motion Picture Association of America, Inc. Never mind. Let us move on to the next screenshot.

The trailer opens with these strange lines in a green background surprising the audience

2. The back side of black person is shown up close. There are a lot of scars, which might depict some cryptic message. On a close second look, it seems to say "Sorry, you are fucking wasting your time here."

What are the scars saying?

3. Due to the poor lighting, we are unable to decipher what exactly is going on in the screen. Many apologies. Thanks and Regards.  


Too dark to make a clever intrepretation

4. If you are thinking Edwin Porter is the main antagonist of this movie and has a very important role to play in the movie, then you are as wrong as <insert terrible shame inducing metaphor>. This is an homage to Edwin Porter, an American film pioneer, who directed one of the earliest Western Movies called The Great Train Robbery. Or the Edwin Porter might be a close accomplice of Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio), who might be killed half way through the movie as a cost cutting measure. You never know it until you actually watch the movie.

Train Robbery? Isn't the movie about slaves?

5. Wonderful silhouette ain't it? Picture doesn't say much except that it shows the trailer is half complete and the other half of this terrific dissection is coming right at you.

6. We can confidently say that movie will release this Christmas. Although if you had watched the trailer closely, it seems like an answer to Django's (Jamie Foxx) question. Looks like the movie takes place in the month of December or maybe not.


Yes, Christmas is in 6 months and 18 days.

 7. Gentlemen, you had the curiosity about this dissection but we are sure you lost the attention.

DiCaprio surely has my attention

8. What's a Quentin Tarantino movie without some bloodshed? Worried whether the blood group is O+ or AB-? No one really cares.


Red blood on white flowers. Excellent contrast. Or some shit movie critics say

9.  From the trailer, we can safely assert that Leonoardo DeCaprio owned Jamie Foxx. Yes, this movie is racist and hence, 'owned' doesn't necessarily have to be the slang word,



Word of the day: Rambunctious



10. The trailer ends with an usual note of "For more exclusive and exciting promotions, go to our Facebook page." We have nothing more to add to that and we sincerely advise movie critics to patiently wait for the movie instead of coming up with their own versions of the movie.

                              

To conclude, Boromir has something to say.

 

 

The Chuck Norris of Cricket

Look! I can hold five balls at a time without gloves. 
With gloves,it is a different story all together.

He was just another Pakistani cricketer when he started his career in 2002. He caught the attention of the media for his Bugs Bunny like teeth, which is used as case-study in the dentist schools in the sub-continent. His career growth increased slowly but steadily and in recent times his cricketing prowess has overshadowed even Sachin Tendulkar. Now, he is every Pakistani bowler's nightmare, a batsman's talisman and his reputation is such that pundits such as Ravi Shastri and Navjot Sidhu have christened him as the Chuck Norris of cricket. Ladies and Gentlemen, he is none other than Kamran Akmal. Due to his sudden raise to fame, 'Heavily Not Enough' Production company has received several scripts which demand Kamran's presence as a lead actor. Since, we at 'Heavily Not Enough' Production Company find every script as shambolic as the other, we request your inputs to make these scripts a wee bit better so that we attain unimaginable profits. 

12 Lakh Angry Men

This is a low budget movie as it has only one scene in which Kamran faces the public to defend his performance in the world cup. What follows is a one hour Mark Antony-esque speech that wins the hearts of the angry men and shifts the blame on his own brother, Umar Akmal. Here is an excerpt from that speech.

Akmal: Friends, Enemies, Terrorists, Match-fixers and countrymen, lend me your ears. I have come to bury Akmal, not to praise him.

First Citizen: Methinks there is no reason in his sayings. Let us burn him alive.

Catch Me If You Can

This is an animation-psychological thriller: a new approach in the world of cinema claims the script-writer. The movie follows the life of a budding wicket-keeper who faces hallucinations of anthromorphic images of cricket balls talking to him. As literacy in his area is below par, Kamran can't quite follow the words spoken by the balls initially. Every time Kamran keeps the wicket, he is tortured by this balls  which taunt him by saying "Catch me if you can". The mysterious plot unfolds slowly and ends with a riveting climax where Kamran discovers the hallucinations are not images of cricket balls but his own.

One Flew Over The Keeper's Head

Kamran Akmal pretends to be a wicket-keeper to escape the dog-like running in the outfield and to hide his hideous bowling skills in the cricket selection. The cricket selectors are astounded by Kamran's talent and select him when he gathers 5 balls at a time (See picture) and gives a triumphant look. He tries to liven the matches up a bit by dropping dollies and missing stumpings, but the media is after him at every turn. How Kamran emerges successful against all odds forms the crux of the story. The script has no ending but the script writer says he has planned for 3 sequels : Two flew over the Keeper's Head, Three flew over the Keeper's Head and Many flew over the Keeper's head.


Dr.Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Catching and Drop the Ball


Kamran is supposed to play three roles for this movie. The roles are: a wicket-keeper, a wicket-keeper who drops catches and a part time scientist and wicket-keeper suffering from Alien Hand Syndrome. This movie promises to be a laugh riot for all ardent cricket fans. The movie ends with Kamran taking a blinder of a catch of a no-ball and exclaims with joy " Captain! I can catch! " but fails to appreciate the irony.


Other half-baked scripts include: To Catch a Ball, Cool Hand Kamran, Snatch, Invasion of the Ball Snatcher. Kamran will play the pivotal role of the wicket-keeper in all the movies. This is the first time 'Heavily Not Enough' Production Company has received so many scripts designed for just one person. Rumors are going on that we will have many scripts adapted from popular books shown in the comic below. 

Courtesy: Cricinfo

The Secret Behind Oscars

Ever wondered how the Academy Awards work? What are the factors in deciding the best movie for each year? Here is a detailed analysis on why these movies were given the Best Picture award from the year 2000. Behold! The factors that are considered are unimaginable and everyone is bound to feel wowed after discovering the secret behind Oscars.


72nd Academy Awards: American Beauty
There was no hesitation in handing this movie the Best Picture right from the day it released. Despite the movie's brilliant narration and excellent acting by the entire cast, the movie won the Best Picture for an entirely different reason. The movie had the word "American" in it. Especially after The English Patient won in 1997, the jury was bent on giving the best picture to a movie which had the word "American" in it ; hence, proving that American is better than English . Unfortunately, American Pie missed the award for unknown reasons.


73rd Academy Awards: Gladiator
The jury members decided the Best Picture for the 73rd Academy Awards while they were having Pizzas in Pizza Hut. One member is said to have quoted " We should give the Oscars to something Italian just as a tribute to these Pizzas". Another member replied " I heard the movie Gladiator has got something to do with Rome...we should give it to Gladiator". While few member agreed, few argued that Pizza originated in Italy and not in Rome.


74th Academy Awards: A Beautiful Mind
The jury members were aware that if they do not give the award to a movie,which is based on the life of an American Mathematician,they will be ridiculed for their poor knowledge. They had no choice but gift the award to A Beautiful Mind.


75th Academy Awards: Chicago
Despite brilliant movies such as The Pianist and LOTR 2 , the race was between two American cities : Chicago and Gangs of New York. The Award was finally decided over a game of Stone, Paper and Scissor between two representatives from each city.


76th Academy Awards: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
The third movie of LOTR evoked sympathy from the jury as the first two movies didn't win the Best Picture. The sympathy shown was very evident as The Return of the King bagged 11 Awards equaling an epic movie and a not so epic ship movie.


77th Academy Awards: Million Dollar Baby
It is believed that Clint Eastwood found out the secret behind Oscars and threatened that he would take a movie about it if the jury doesn't hand him the Oscar for Million Dollar Baby. However, the jury refuted such claims and said that the movie was a masterpiece.


78th Academy Awards: Crash
This was the first time the Best Picture was decided by lots. Voila! Crash was lucky.


79th Academy Awards: The Departed
Sympathy came into play again. The jury felt that it was high time they give the poor bloke, Scorsese, some award to acknowledge his contribution to cinema. Once again,Clint Eastwood blackmailed the jury but Scorsese employed De Niro and Pesci to shut Clint's mouth. 


80th Academy Awards: No Country for Old Men
Since there are no interesting stories behind this award, it can be safely concluded that this movie probably deserved the award.


81st Academy Awards: Slumdog Millionaire
Obviously the jury members didn't want to be branded as racists. As Slumdog Millionaire was entirely based in India with Indian actors, there was no other winner. However, if a dark African movie with an entire dark colored cast had released, then the story would have been different. 


82nd Academy Awards: The Hurt Locker
Having proved that the jury members weren't racist, it was time they proved they weren't sexists. Hence, they snubbed a Tarantino's masterpiece, a Cameron's Blue film ,a Vulcan movie (which wasn't even nominated) and presented the award to The Hurt Locker. James Cameron was inconsolable for obvious reasons. 


83rd Academy Awards: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz


Mystery to be unfolded soon....

Man Madan Ambu: So Called Review

Disclaimer: This is a futile attempt at writing a review which pleases the Kamal Fans.

Genre: Romance? / Comedy?

Starring: Kamal Hassan, Madhavan, Trisha, Sangeetha.

Direction: K.S.Ravikumar

Music: Yo! This is DSP!

The much awaited Kamal-KSR combo movie hits the screens finally but woefully at the wrong time. The Christmas -New Year time is generally regarded as a period of joy and merrymaking and movies that are not in line with the festive mood are rarely appreciated. Man Madan Ambu starts slowly, moves at a speed that a tortoise would be proud of, wanders aimlessly like a lost pet dog and ends eons later. In fact, there is point when you feel that the luxury ship is the only thing moving in the movie and the only thing that has a final destination (Marseille is my guess). Oh yes! There is a luxury ship in the movie.

Man Madan Ambu (Cupid’s Arrow) is inevitably a love story with elements of comedy here and there.  Ambujakshi aka Ambu (Trisha) is an actress who is engaged to Madana Gopal aka Madan (Madhavan), who is a filthy rich inebriate industrialist. Madan has trust issues with Ambu because of her profession and not surprisingly, they fight and take a break. She goes on a vacation to Europe in the aforementioned ship with her class mate Deepa (Sangeetha) who is a divorcee with two kids. Major Raja Mannar (Kamal) is a private detective employed by Madan to spy Ambu’s activities. Major Mannar takes this job to cover the medical expenses of his friend (Ramesh Aravind), a cancer patient. What happens next is a series of drab scenes, with occasional witty lines that evoke laughter sparsely, building up to a climax that is predictable.

Despite the lack of depth in the script, the actors have given a commendable performance. Kamal’s charisma, Trisha’s Tamil (She has dubbed for herself for the first time), Maddy’s drunken expressions and dialogues and Sangeetha’s spontaneity are some, if not all, positives of the movie. Other positives include the luxury ship, which lures the audience with its mere presence. Kamal’s narration of his past in reverse coupled with the melodious Neela Vaanam in Kamal’s voice is very impressive. The rest of the cast fails to make an impact. Ramesh Aravind and Oorvasi are generally at their best in comical roles but still have done justice to their rather downcast roles as a cancer patient and his wife.

Devi Sri Prasad’s background score is mediocre, although few songs are worth humming. Suriya’s cameo as Trisha’s co-star in the ‘Oyyala’ song is certainly applaudable. Kamal’s unbridled talent in all areas of film making is respectable but it would be better if he only does what he is best at. To sum up, Man Madan Ambu is a disheartening effort from Kamal Hassan and K.S.Ravikumar who have given us much better rib tickling comical movies such as Avai Shanmughi, Thenali and Panchathanthiram.

Verdict: For once, Cupid’s Arrow misfires.

Whose Son Is He Anyway?

Genre : Adventure/Drama/Family/Gibberish

Disclaimer : Most of the words,phrases,names or places that sound familiar are stolen from www.imdb.com

Scene: Classroom number 42 . 40 5th Grade Students
Teacher [adjusting his pants,pulling his tummy inside and taking a deep breath]: Dear Students. Today I am gonna tell you one of the greatest stories I’ve ever heard!!
Student 1[as excited as ever] : Is it the story of Indiana Jones,sir?
Teacher : Greatest stories are not always about Indiana Jones,kid. This is about the Life of Brian. Shall I begin?
Students in unison : Yes, sir.
Teacher :
Chapter 1 : The Brian Identity

“Once upon a time in America, there lived a lady called Rosemary who was unfaithful to three men and a baby. Rosemary’s baby was born on the 4th of July in Chinatown. He was called Brian. Brian was a simple kid who loved eating American pie and spaghetti. He had a beautiful mind and was an avid reader.He yearned to celebrate father’s day by eating chocolat with his big daddy .But whenever Brian asked Rosemary about his father/fathers she would always reply “ You can’t handle the truth”. On one fine day in the year 1984,Rosemary was on her deathbed due to the consumption of duck soup which seemed like chicken soup to her. Knowing that this was going to be the last day of her life, Rosemary tells Brian the story of her life. The story goes on for six days and seven nights. Obviously she doesn’t die before she finishes the story and dies exactly 1 minute after her story. Brian stands up slowly,bangs the wall with his fist, full of dollars, and exclaims “ She was here all night and now she is gone in 60 seconds”[Students give a thunderous applause and stop only when the teacher promises them there are more dialogues, better than this, to come in the story] .Brian vows to find his father but he knows very few details. Rosemary had told Brian the names of the three kings(she called herself a queen) in her life. Nemo, Schindler and Harry. She had also said that she believed that among Nemo,Schindler and Harry ,whoever had something 8½ inches long, was Brian’s father. Brian still wondered what was the thing that was 8½ inches long. Nevertheless, he geared up for the greatest adventure in his life. He gave himself 28 days to find his father or become a father himself.”

Student 1(shouting enthusiastically) : I know and I have something that is 8½ cm long!!
Student 2 (with a smirk on his face) : Mine is 9 cm long.
Student 3 (nonchalantly) : Length doesn’t matter. How well you use it, matters.
Student 4 (quizzically) : Are you talking about pencils?
Teacher (gets frustrated but maintains his composure) : Will you all stop the discussion now and listen to the story?
Students in unison: Yes,sir.

Teacher (clears his throat and continues the story):
Chapter 2 : Finding Nemo

Brian takes a train to Seattle and reaches there in 88 minutes. Rosemary had spent her heydays in Seattle writing a lot of scary ghost and devil stories. She was called ‘the’ ghost writer . Brian becomes restless and sleepless in Seattle after wasting five days by just observing the lives of others. On the sixth day, Brian gets a gorgeous idea to advertise in the newspaper about Nemo ,Schindler and Harry. He runs to the apartment nearby to ask for help. Brian climbs 39 steps and rings the bell. An old boy opens the door and exclaims " Welcome home my son". Brian is surprised but doesn't ask any questions. The old boy introduces himself as Nemo, the greatest head banger of all times and explains how he banged Rosemary. Despite being ecstatic about the serendipity,Brian is curious to know how Nemo knew Brian would arrive. Nemo coolly answers " intuition because of an inception " [Students are in an awestruck wonder and bow in reverence]. Brian seems convinced but suddenly remembers about the 8½ inch thing which his father should possess. He asks Nemo for something 8½ inch long to prove he is the father. Nemo thinks hard with his eyes wide shut and then feels ashamed that he has nothing longer than 8 cm with him. Brian leaves saying "You are the father I deserve, but not the one I need right now.You are a silent guardian, watchful protector.The Dark Dad."
[Students whistle and clap loudly even though they don't understand what a dark dad is.]
The bell rings and the teacher promises to continue the story in the next class.

Watch out for the next episode of Whose Son is he Anyway? and here is a preview of what you might witness.

Chapter 3 : Schindler's List

Brian travels to Munich to search for Schindler and successfully finds him but he is surprised when Rosemary is not there in Schindler's List of women he has had. Will Schindler hav a List B which has the name of Rosemary? Stay tuned!

Chapter 4 : Dirty Harry
If Brian confirms Schindler is his father,this chapter will not be there.

Chapter 5 : May or may not be there
The script writer isn't sure of the story himself.

The Bond Legacy

Scene 1 :
Dr No, wearing a well tailored Reid &Taylor suit , a black shoes ( polished using Kiwi shoe polish) but not wearing socks, enters the CIA headquarters unseen and unarmed. He barges into the meeting room in the 13th floor . The room is badly lit. The walls in this tiny room are splashed with an ugly orange. The five officials in the room are startled by the appearance of a person during an extended lunch hour. The highest ranked official, XXX, stuffs the last piece of his extra long Sub and interrogates Dr No.

XXX: Who are you?
Dr No: Dr. No
XXX: Where do you come from?
Dr No : From Russia with love

The contemptuous replies from Dr. No are disliked by XX, the second highest ranked official, and he moves his hand towards his gun in his holster. XXX gives an assuring look to XX and says he shall handle this.

XXX: Why are you here?
Dr No : On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
XXX : Secret Service? KGB?
Dr No [nonchalantly] : I shall answer that if one of you give me the expansion of KGB.

XXX looks at his colleagues expectantly but no one pays heed except for the newly joined officer whose name is not known. The newly joined officer whose name is not known frantically googles using his eye-phone to impress XXX but figures out that the expansion is unpronounceable and gives XXX a nod of disappointment.

XXX: Ok . So what do you want?
Dr. No : License to Kill
XXX [annoyingly]:We will never give you a license to kill to . Never.
Dr. No : Never say never again. I am holding your spy as a prisoner.
XXX : Which spy?
Dr No : The spy who loved me.
XXX : Oh that one. You can have her. Do you have the spy who spanked me?
Dr No [thinks for some time and chooses his words carefully] : No.
XXX : Oh..then you may leave. Forget your license to kill. I won’t even give you a view to a kill.
Dr. No : No wait. I just said my name again. I have her too.
XXX : Your name is No?
Dr No : Yes, No.
XXX : Yes or No? You are confusing me.
Dr. No : No. Dr.No. And I have your spy.
XXX : Ok. Show her. Now!

XX, the man with no name and the others give a triumphant look as Dr.No is taken aback by XXX’s clever and witty replies. XXX,however, signals something incomprehensible to XX and gives an extremely wicked look.

Dr No [stuttering] :I’ll show you tomorrow.
XXX : But tomorrow never dies.
Dr No : What do you mean by tomorrow never dies?
XXX : I don’t know. It sounds good.
Dr. No : Ok , I’ll show you the spy who spanked you tomorrow when you tell me what “tomorrow never dies” means

Dr. No turns to leave as XX points his gun at Dr. No. Eerie silence fills the room . Everyone is tensed. The man with no name breaks the silence.

The man with no name [after frantically googling again] : Sir, Tomorrow Never Dies is one Bond movie.
XXX: One Bond? You mean Single Bond?

XXX and XX start discussing the different type of Bonds such as Double Bond,Triple Bond while the man with no name checks his eye-phone again to impress XXX but is disappointed to find the battery drained in his eye-phone. Out of frustration , he throws the eye-phone and it hits No’s left eye. Something golden falls out of his eye. Dr.No screams in pain and faints.

XX [checking Dr No’s heart beat] : I think he is dead.
XXX : We are not letting him die in our extended lunch hour! Wake him up. He shall die another day.
Dr. No [gets up suddenly and shouts angrily] : What happened to my Golden eye??
XX : You have a golden eye??!!
Dr.No : And also a goldfinger! [ And shows his middle finger which offends XXX]
XXX: You are filthy rich you son of a bitch. Now tell me where is the spy who shagged me?
Dr. No : I don’t have the spy who shagged you.

XXX pulls a golden gun from his holster and presses it against Dr No’s head.

All officials in unison : The man with the golden gun!!
XXX : You people didn’t know that I was the man with the golden gun?
XX : No sir. We have heard so many myths about the man with the golden gun but we weren’t allowed to talk about him.

XXX laughs haughtily and presses the gun harder against Dr No’s head.

XXX : Tell me what you know about him.
XX: Among great people who live and let die, you are the one who is most feared. We have heard you have got something called as a thunder ball which when used against a pussy cat will slay the pussy into eight parts. Thus, you have the nick-name Octo-pussy slayer.
Man with no name : Can you show us the thunder ball ,sir?
XXX [pressing the gun harder on Dr.No] : Did you hear that Dr No? [Laughs like a hyena] You...........[continues laughing and swallows the words].......not enough.
Dr.No : What is not enough?
XXX: The World in not enough!
Dr.No : I don’t understand the phrases you use. Leave me now. I shall give you this golden eye.
XXX [thinking hard and stammering] : Yes .No. Ofcourse.

Out of nowhere someone shouts "CUT". It is the director of the movie.

Director [fuming] : You haven’t learnt your dialogues by heart ,XXX. I am fed up with your terrible acting and dialogue delivery . This is the 108th take. You are just wasting my time. I am gonna fire you all. You morons.
XXX : Am quitting this movie.
Director: How dare you?
XXX : What sort of dialogues are these? They are drab, juvenile and uninteresting. And am an English teacher and I just can't deliver dialogues that are grammatically wrong!
Director : I should have thought before giving you amateurs a chance. This is the BOND legacy! The first ever movie to condense the names of all Bond movies in a single scene!
XXX : If thats what you want , why don’t you have a scene where a beautiful blonde reads out all the Bond movies in a sexy voice.
Director [shouting so loud that a tube light breaks into 1000 pieces] : This is your limit XXX. You are fired. All of you are fired!

All the actors say something that is censored by the censor board and leave the set. The director shelves the project and goes back to his porn business. After 6 years he is set to resurrect the project now. He is now searching for actors or a beautiful blonde for The Bond Legacy. Auditions next Saturday in Rani Meiyamai School, Mandaveli, Chennai. All are welcome. Paste your mail id's here and we will send you the full script of the movie. Choose your role and practice the part well. All the best!