Whose Son Is He Anyway?

Genre : Adventure/Drama/Family/Gibberish

Disclaimer : Most of the words,phrases,names or places that sound familiar are stolen from www.imdb.com

Scene: Classroom number 42 . 40 5th Grade Students
Teacher [adjusting his pants,pulling his tummy inside and taking a deep breath]: Dear Students. Today I am gonna tell you one of the greatest stories I’ve ever heard!!
Student 1[as excited as ever] : Is it the story of Indiana Jones,sir?
Teacher : Greatest stories are not always about Indiana Jones,kid. This is about the Life of Brian. Shall I begin?
Students in unison : Yes, sir.
Teacher :
Chapter 1 : The Brian Identity

“Once upon a time in America, there lived a lady called Rosemary who was unfaithful to three men and a baby. Rosemary’s baby was born on the 4th of July in Chinatown. He was called Brian. Brian was a simple kid who loved eating American pie and spaghetti. He had a beautiful mind and was an avid reader.He yearned to celebrate father’s day by eating chocolat with his big daddy .But whenever Brian asked Rosemary about his father/fathers she would always reply “ You can’t handle the truth”. On one fine day in the year 1984,Rosemary was on her deathbed due to the consumption of duck soup which seemed like chicken soup to her. Knowing that this was going to be the last day of her life, Rosemary tells Brian the story of her life. The story goes on for six days and seven nights. Obviously she doesn’t die before she finishes the story and dies exactly 1 minute after her story. Brian stands up slowly,bangs the wall with his fist, full of dollars, and exclaims “ She was here all night and now she is gone in 60 seconds”[Students give a thunderous applause and stop only when the teacher promises them there are more dialogues, better than this, to come in the story] .Brian vows to find his father but he knows very few details. Rosemary had told Brian the names of the three kings(she called herself a queen) in her life. Nemo, Schindler and Harry. She had also said that she believed that among Nemo,Schindler and Harry ,whoever had something 8½ inches long, was Brian’s father. Brian still wondered what was the thing that was 8½ inches long. Nevertheless, he geared up for the greatest adventure in his life. He gave himself 28 days to find his father or become a father himself.”

Student 1(shouting enthusiastically) : I know and I have something that is 8½ cm long!!
Student 2 (with a smirk on his face) : Mine is 9 cm long.
Student 3 (nonchalantly) : Length doesn’t matter. How well you use it, matters.
Student 4 (quizzically) : Are you talking about pencils?
Teacher (gets frustrated but maintains his composure) : Will you all stop the discussion now and listen to the story?
Students in unison: Yes,sir.

Teacher (clears his throat and continues the story):
Chapter 2 : Finding Nemo

Brian takes a train to Seattle and reaches there in 88 minutes. Rosemary had spent her heydays in Seattle writing a lot of scary ghost and devil stories. She was called ‘the’ ghost writer . Brian becomes restless and sleepless in Seattle after wasting five days by just observing the lives of others. On the sixth day, Brian gets a gorgeous idea to advertise in the newspaper about Nemo ,Schindler and Harry. He runs to the apartment nearby to ask for help. Brian climbs 39 steps and rings the bell. An old boy opens the door and exclaims " Welcome home my son". Brian is surprised but doesn't ask any questions. The old boy introduces himself as Nemo, the greatest head banger of all times and explains how he banged Rosemary. Despite being ecstatic about the serendipity,Brian is curious to know how Nemo knew Brian would arrive. Nemo coolly answers " intuition because of an inception " [Students are in an awestruck wonder and bow in reverence]. Brian seems convinced but suddenly remembers about the 8½ inch thing which his father should possess. He asks Nemo for something 8½ inch long to prove he is the father. Nemo thinks hard with his eyes wide shut and then feels ashamed that he has nothing longer than 8 cm with him. Brian leaves saying "You are the father I deserve, but not the one I need right now.You are a silent guardian, watchful protector.The Dark Dad."
[Students whistle and clap loudly even though they don't understand what a dark dad is.]
The bell rings and the teacher promises to continue the story in the next class.

Watch out for the next episode of Whose Son is he Anyway? and here is a preview of what you might witness.

Chapter 3 : Schindler's List

Brian travels to Munich to search for Schindler and successfully finds him but he is surprised when Rosemary is not there in Schindler's List of women he has had. Will Schindler hav a List B which has the name of Rosemary? Stay tuned!

Chapter 4 : Dirty Harry
If Brian confirms Schindler is his father,this chapter will not be there.

Chapter 5 : May or may not be there
The script writer isn't sure of the story himself.

The Bond Legacy

Scene 1 :
Dr No, wearing a well tailored Reid &Taylor suit , a black shoes ( polished using Kiwi shoe polish) but not wearing socks, enters the CIA headquarters unseen and unarmed. He barges into the meeting room in the 13th floor . The room is badly lit. The walls in this tiny room are splashed with an ugly orange. The five officials in the room are startled by the appearance of a person during an extended lunch hour. The highest ranked official, XXX, stuffs the last piece of his extra long Sub and interrogates Dr No.

XXX: Who are you?
Dr No: Dr. No
XXX: Where do you come from?
Dr No : From Russia with love

The contemptuous replies from Dr. No are disliked by XX, the second highest ranked official, and he moves his hand towards his gun in his holster. XXX gives an assuring look to XX and says he shall handle this.

XXX: Why are you here?
Dr No : On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
XXX : Secret Service? KGB?
Dr No [nonchalantly] : I shall answer that if one of you give me the expansion of KGB.

XXX looks at his colleagues expectantly but no one pays heed except for the newly joined officer whose name is not known. The newly joined officer whose name is not known frantically googles using his eye-phone to impress XXX but figures out that the expansion is unpronounceable and gives XXX a nod of disappointment.

XXX: Ok . So what do you want?
Dr. No : License to Kill
XXX [annoyingly]:We will never give you a license to kill to . Never.
Dr. No : Never say never again. I am holding your spy as a prisoner.
XXX : Which spy?
Dr No : The spy who loved me.
XXX : Oh that one. You can have her. Do you have the spy who spanked me?
Dr No [thinks for some time and chooses his words carefully] : No.
XXX : Oh..then you may leave. Forget your license to kill. I won’t even give you a view to a kill.
Dr. No : No wait. I just said my name again. I have her too.
XXX : Your name is No?
Dr No : Yes, No.
XXX : Yes or No? You are confusing me.
Dr. No : No. Dr.No. And I have your spy.
XXX : Ok. Show her. Now!

XX, the man with no name and the others give a triumphant look as Dr.No is taken aback by XXX’s clever and witty replies. XXX,however, signals something incomprehensible to XX and gives an extremely wicked look.

Dr No [stuttering] :I’ll show you tomorrow.
XXX : But tomorrow never dies.
Dr No : What do you mean by tomorrow never dies?
XXX : I don’t know. It sounds good.
Dr. No : Ok , I’ll show you the spy who spanked you tomorrow when you tell me what “tomorrow never dies” means

Dr. No turns to leave as XX points his gun at Dr. No. Eerie silence fills the room . Everyone is tensed. The man with no name breaks the silence.

The man with no name [after frantically googling again] : Sir, Tomorrow Never Dies is one Bond movie.
XXX: One Bond? You mean Single Bond?

XXX and XX start discussing the different type of Bonds such as Double Bond,Triple Bond while the man with no name checks his eye-phone again to impress XXX but is disappointed to find the battery drained in his eye-phone. Out of frustration , he throws the eye-phone and it hits No’s left eye. Something golden falls out of his eye. Dr.No screams in pain and faints.

XX [checking Dr No’s heart beat] : I think he is dead.
XXX : We are not letting him die in our extended lunch hour! Wake him up. He shall die another day.
Dr. No [gets up suddenly and shouts angrily] : What happened to my Golden eye??
XX : You have a golden eye??!!
Dr.No : And also a goldfinger! [ And shows his middle finger which offends XXX]
XXX: You are filthy rich you son of a bitch. Now tell me where is the spy who shagged me?
Dr. No : I don’t have the spy who shagged you.

XXX pulls a golden gun from his holster and presses it against Dr No’s head.

All officials in unison : The man with the golden gun!!
XXX : You people didn’t know that I was the man with the golden gun?
XX : No sir. We have heard so many myths about the man with the golden gun but we weren’t allowed to talk about him.

XXX laughs haughtily and presses the gun harder against Dr No’s head.

XXX : Tell me what you know about him.
XX: Among great people who live and let die, you are the one who is most feared. We have heard you have got something called as a thunder ball which when used against a pussy cat will slay the pussy into eight parts. Thus, you have the nick-name Octo-pussy slayer.
Man with no name : Can you show us the thunder ball ,sir?
XXX [pressing the gun harder on Dr.No] : Did you hear that Dr No? [Laughs like a hyena] You...........[continues laughing and swallows the words].......not enough.
Dr.No : What is not enough?
XXX: The World in not enough!
Dr.No : I don’t understand the phrases you use. Leave me now. I shall give you this golden eye.
XXX [thinking hard and stammering] : Yes .No. Ofcourse.

Out of nowhere someone shouts "CUT". It is the director of the movie.

Director [fuming] : You haven’t learnt your dialogues by heart ,XXX. I am fed up with your terrible acting and dialogue delivery . This is the 108th take. You are just wasting my time. I am gonna fire you all. You morons.
XXX : Am quitting this movie.
Director: How dare you?
XXX : What sort of dialogues are these? They are drab, juvenile and uninteresting. And am an English teacher and I just can't deliver dialogues that are grammatically wrong!
Director : I should have thought before giving you amateurs a chance. This is the BOND legacy! The first ever movie to condense the names of all Bond movies in a single scene!
XXX : If thats what you want , why don’t you have a scene where a beautiful blonde reads out all the Bond movies in a sexy voice.
Director [shouting so loud that a tube light breaks into 1000 pieces] : This is your limit XXX. You are fired. All of you are fired!

All the actors say something that is censored by the censor board and leave the set. The director shelves the project and goes back to his porn business. After 6 years he is set to resurrect the project now. He is now searching for actors or a beautiful blonde for The Bond Legacy. Auditions next Saturday in Rani Meiyamai School, Mandaveli, Chennai. All are welcome. Paste your mail id's here and we will send you the full script of the movie. Choose your role and practice the part well. All the best!