Chepauk - Resurrecting Test Cricket

Chennai's Chepauk stadium has invented a brilliant way to keep Test Cricket from being engulfed by the IPL. In fact, this invention will resurrect Test Cricket and make it more interesting than any T20 league in the world. Most of you who visited Chepauk might be familiar with this blue screen surrounded by Zuari Cement in the picture. It is called the 'message board' or the 'interactive board', which asks you to send your messages to 56006666 so that the knowledgeable Chennai crowd can see your wonderful thoughts on the screen and think about agreeing to disagree with your comments. And here is the highlight: all the thrill and exciting experience at a meager cost of Rs.3 per message.

Apologies for the quality of the photo. It doesn't reflect upon the quality of messages on the board.

Do not underestimate the power of this blue screen. It plays Jedi mind tricks on everyone, including the players. During the second day's third session, when Sachin Tendulkar was at his best, a message in big bold white letters from a relatively unknown person called Shiva [name changed on request] flashed on the screen. "Who wants to see Sachin bat tomorrow, pls raise ur hands," it read. Australian captain Michael Clarke, who desperately wanted Sachin out, momentarily lost control of his own actions and raised his hand, thus receiving a huge round of applause from the crowd. While few knowledgeable uncles argued that Clarke raised his hands to itch his armpit, most of them were convinced that Michael Clarke was more than pleased with Sachin batting continuously for the rest of the match. The chain of actions and alleged assumptions were triggered by a simple combination of ASCII characters with absolute disregard for spelling or punctuation on the blue screen of infinite power, which will, believe it or not, revolutionize Test Cricket.

You might argue that this conclusion might be far-fetched but here is another incident that might change your stance, unless you are Ravindra Jadeja. A 44 year old uncle from the convoluted streets of Mylapore had accompanied his son to watch the match. He made his son walk several times from the top of the D-Upper Tier stand to get him snacks and cool drinks. This is however irrelevant to the point I am trying to convey. He was reading out every message from the blue board aloud to his son and often clarified what the message was demanding us to do. He obliged to the infinite number of pointless Mexican waves, whistled when the message asked us to whistle for Dhoni and shouted when it read, "Dhoni in Viswaroopam idhu from Kamal fanzz." In fact he was so engrossed with what an occult group called 'Powerstar fan club' said to us that he missed Ravindra Jadeja posing for the cameras after magnanimously leaving the ball to hit the stumps. Like all Chennai people, he made a generic comment about how Jadeja's shot selection was poor and he went back to reading messages from 'Ilayathalapathy rocksss.' The blue screen had worked its way through the psyche of an intelligent Indian cricket supporter from Chennai, which is not easy by any means. 

During Ravichandran Ashwin's brief innings, he was asked to raise his bat for the whistles. Of course he obliged. There was a message war of sorts during the lunch break, in which fans of various Kollywood actors were pitted against each other by the 'message board'. Ilayathalapathy fans were countered by Thala fans while Rajni fans got unanimous cheers, thus inspiring Kamal fans to raise to the occasion. The stadium was loud and enthusiastic despite having no men in white clothes playing with a red ball in the middle. And there were so many other countless incidents where the 'message board' was the center of attention. This was not about Test Cricket any more. 

The blue board is here to stay for a long time. If Test Cricket wants to stay alive, it has no choice but play along with the blue board. The voice of a single individual holds the entire stadium in a trance, briefly. By the time you search for the individual responsible for this heinous act, another individual with an even more complicated agenda voices out his opinion. It is an army of individuals working separately but united by the most accomplished tool in the world - The Blue Board. I will paraphrase a line from George Orwell's dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty-Four to fathom the effect The Blue Board has on everyone:

"Always the white words watching you and the imaginary voice enveloping you. Asleep or awake, working or eating, shouting or whistling, in the bathroom or in the chairs -- no escape. Nothing is your own except the few cubic centimeters inside your skull." 

The Blue Board is the future of cricket, at least in this part of the world. 

I am Back!

Voila!
Look who is back after a hiatus of 2 months! Yes, it is me. Barclays Premier League. I am sorry I had to take two months off. I had to give my accomplice, Mr. Transfer Market, a chance to make me more exciting. I must say he has done an excellent job by tinkering with most of the parts in my body. Oh yeah, I refer to the teams as my body parts. For example, my derriere is called Chelsea and my crotch is called Manchester City. Transfer Market has spent a lot for my crotch by giving me something called Price Aguero's piercing akin to Prince Albert's piercing. Although the prospects are exciting, I am not comfortable when people spend so much for just one part. Anyway, if you guys have any questions regarding this season or anything in general, shoot'em.

Arsenal Fan: Hi BPL. I am an Arsenal fan. What do you think about Arsenal prospects this season?
BPL: I didn't expect such a difficult question early on. To be honest, Arsenal's reign at the top of the table will end today. I must say I have been kind to you guys by arranging my teams in an alphabetical order so that you aren't disappointed even during the off season. I happened to see this extremely hilarious video that pretty much sums up my thoughts. Enjoy it. Stan vs Wenger Remix.

Media Guy: I have promised my employers that I shall bring some scintillating news to their desks. Can you give me some tips?
BPL: Ha! How smart of you! I would advise you to have a secret surveillance camera at Manchester City's dressing room. I am sure you can find out who helps Balotelli wear his underwear. Then, don't miss Neil Warnock's post match rants, especially after a poor refereeing decisions. Also make sure you are present when Drogba teaches Lukaku the secret of poor acting.

Liverpool Fan: My question is very simple. Will Liverpool win the title?
BPL: I will align with your euphoric mental state now and positively say that Liverpool will be the eternal champions. Although, I am sure you have heard about The Scouse's Boom Bust Cycle.

Everton Fan: I am disappointed with the riots, which lead to the cancellation of our match. What do you think?
BPL: If I were you, I would be really happy. Considering that you won't be at the bottom of the table after Week 1, it is a dream start for Everton.

Alex Ferguson: Will I have any special favors this season?
BPL: As always, the whistle will not be blown until your team has scored the winner. Referees will be arranged to give penalty kicks in all matches. And, you can give Howard Webb a Man Utd jersey. He said he would like No.13. As you know, I don't have the balls to disappoint you. You will enjoy this season too, Sir.

Fernando Torres: I would like the goal post to be widened by a meter on each side and also an increase in the height of the goal post will be helpful. Is that possible?
BPL: Oh yeah! I will also provide you with a magical broom and a wand to weave your magic in front of the goal.

Joey Barton: Fuck you. I hate this fucking hoopla surrounding this dumb thing. Fuck you, again.
BPL: I was about to ask the security guards to drag you out but I just realised that you were Joey Barton. You are pardoned.

Man City Fan: I was the brainchild behind the Welcome to Manchester Poster. Can you give me an idea for another poster?
BPL: I suggest you work on redecorating your club's logo. You can take inspiration from this sample logo.

That is the end of the question session. Although some of my answers were a bit provocative, I know you guys will love me despite that. You can expect another roller-coaster ride from me this season. I will never cease to excite and I shall never disappoint. Aurevoir!

Transfer Update: Manchester City's Summer Extravaganza

Since the start of the Transfer Window, Manchester City have not hit the headlines as much as they would have liked. While Liverpool and Manchester United have already grabbed the limelight with their star signings, City have hardly managed to find the back pages. Even Mario Balotelli's antics haven't helped City's cause. 
This lack of activity during the "transfer silly season" has infuriated the owner of Manchester City, Mr.Sheikh Mansour. He has given Roberto Mancini a modest €600m to spend on players, who are "special" and have unparalleled footballing abilities. Rumors are afloat that Mancini isn't happy with meager sum as he has scouted for players with phenomenal ability but astronomical prices. This article will attempt to guide you through the minefield of gossip to give you the inside track of what might happen at City in the next two months.

This is the first big name to be associated with Manchester City this summer. Since young British talents are the flavor of the current market, Mancini has had his eye on the young British striker for a couple of months. "Peter Pan is a wonder kid. In fact, he will be a wonder kid even after 20 years," Mancini said, with extra emphasis on the word 'kid'. Mancini is certain to sign the kid and is believed to use him as a second striker to utilize his uncanny ability to score goals with his long nose. Mancini has proved his footballing acumen by securing the services of a "forever"young talent, while his counterparts,Kenny Dalglish and Sir Alex, have spent money on young British players, who will eventually grow old. 

Not content with the plethora of strikers in the club, Manchester City is shockingly linked with Trojan Horse FC striker, Achilles. Since City's style of play includes a couple of unnecessary back heels, Achilles wouldn't be quite suited to the system due to a major injury sustained while swimming in the River Styx. However, Mancini believes that Achilles has the ability to destroy any defenses in the world."I am not signing the old and saggy Brad Pitt. I am signing Achilles, the legendary striker," Mancini fumed, on hearing negative comments about the player. Mancini has stiff competition from various Greek clubs for the player and will probably offer more than €100m to secure the services of Trojan Horse FC's talisman.

Don Vito Corleone has been ironically linked with Manchester City right from when Kolo Toure was banned for using questionable drugs. The speculations have continued this summer and it is conceived that Mancini has a made an offer Vito Corleone can't refuse. However, Don Corleone is mighty unimpressed with Mancini's approach. "I only make offers people can't refuse. No one makes offers I can't refuse," Vito Corleone bellowed in a recent press meet. The deal will not materialize, mostly. 

A number of clubs have shown interest in this versatile player, who is a plumber by profession, midfielder by choice and a defender by compulsion. Due to his plumbing background, it is a general notion that he doesn't leak goals at the back. Hence, it comes as no big surprise that Inter Milan is after him. However, Man City is the favorite to land Super Mario. Mancini is keen on giving Mario Balotelli an egoistical snub by signing his namesake, Super Mario. Mancini expects Mario Balotelli's performance to enhance by this tactical move. Although, it is quite unclear what Mancini has in his mind.

On Saturday evening, it was reported by a reputable website that Man City is set to complete a fantabulous signing of an uncapped, unknown, unprecedented player of the highest quality. If the sources are to be trusted, the player has been virtually made using FIFA-11's "Create your own player" option. He has all the parameters such as agility, ball control, finishing set to a value of 99 on a scale of 100. This news has taken everyone by surprise and Sir Alex has already raised his vociferous opposition to the FA. Mancini,however, was hardly nonplussed with the situation and suggested that his name will down in history as the pioneer of  "Virtual Player Capturing." Everyone is anxiously waiting for FA's & FIFA's reaction towards this saga.


If you have heard about any Transfer rumors related to Manchester City, kindly let us know by commenting below.
  

Infinite Loop Rage Comic

Dedicated to all Arsenal fans.  We understand your feelings. 

                           

India Vs Pakistan: A Detailed Analysis

In the months leading up to the World Cup, this mouth-watering fixture was always talked about. Everyone wished that these two arch rivals pit their cricketing wits against each other. And Ravi Shastri secretly hoped that he could use the phrase "Mother of All Games" in this world cup. Well, he wasn't disappointed. Now, whenever there is a match of such epic proportions, it is human attitude to dust the old books and come up with mind-boggling statistics. The stats-gurus dig in so deep and try so hard to give us irrelevant statistics like: "Whenever Laxman Sivaramakrishnan commentates, Sehwag gets out" or "Whenever Navjot Sidhu wears a purple turban (and a green tie), it is a good omen for Sachin". Good omen for Sachin might not be the same for millions watching those hideous colors on TV. All said and done, statistics are really interesting and always make up for a nice read. Here is a detailed analysis of India-Pakistan clashes in all forms of cricket. And yes, that includes Gilli-danda, French Cricket, Book Cricket and Hand Cricket.


Gilli-Danda
Gilli-Danda is, and I quote Ravi Shastri, the "Mother of All Forms of Cricket". Technically, there has never been a Gilli-Danda World Cup as the Aussies refused to play a sport without any balls. Hence, it was an informal tournament between Indian and Pakistan just after the independence. The match was supposed to be played within the spirit of the game but hell broke loose when Aamir Sohail's grandfather disrespectfully asked   Venkatesh Prasad's grandfather to fetch the Gilli. That was the last time a Gilli-Danda match between Indian and Pakistan took place.

Gilli-Danda: Head to Head Record

French Cricket

This informal,rather complicated, version of cricket is the only form that hasn't been mastered by the teams from the sub-continent. The number of runs scored is equal to the number of times one revolves the bat around his hips until the ball is touched by the fielder. Big name players such as Inzamam Ul-Haq, Ramesh Powar aren't particularly huge fans of the game. India-Pakistan match was the dullest affair that took place in the tournament in France and both teams were disqualified for their "mischievous banter" about the game. However, few Indians and Pakistanis are members of the elite group with strike rate below 100( in French Cricket, a strike rate below 100 is considered to be very rare and very unimpressive).

Strike rate is measured by the formula RPM*100/Hip Size

Book Cricket

This form of cricket has had so many World Cups at so many venues and yet, the lack of media coverage still haunts this sport. The following statistics will concentrate on a particular small time school in Dubai called as Our Own English High School,Dubai. The major World Cups take place daily in the classrooms of VIII 'A' and VIII 'B'. Despite being one of the simplest forms of cricket, book cricket has had its own share of controversy. The Indians wanted to use a huge book by R.D.Sharma while the Pakistanis wanted to use a book that had page numbers in Urdu to confuse the Indians. After several debates, Lord of the Rings was chosen as the book but was discarded due to the hardly visible page numbers it had. At present, players generally use any book that they can catch hold of during the match. 
The head to head record of India-Pakistan encounters is not available due to improper documentation and contempt shown by the media. However, here is a pie-chart showing some grueling statistics about book cricket. Pakistan might hold an edge over India according to this data. 

Indians tend to be over enthusiastic and take the Glossary page quite often.
When they calm down, they take the Index page

Pakistanis tend to mark the pages ending with 6 quite brilliantly

Hand Cricket

This form of cricket should not be confused with Oongli cricket, a corruption of Hand Cricket by Idea. Hand Cricket has had its own ups and downs and the Pakistanis are responsible for the the downs. Pakistan has never lost a single match in Hand Cricket thanks to their flamboyant player's six-fingered alter ego. Yes, Kamran Akmal is a formidable player in this form of cricket and has never gotten out. All nations have withdrawn from IHCC (International Hand Cricket Council) until Kamran retires. 

No one knows how Kamran manages to start an innings with a score above 1000

Looks like Pakistan has the better record over India in these forms of cricket. But the Indians are not impressed by statistics and they don't care about history either. " Well of course, at the end of the day, it is important how we play our cricket on the day" said a very confident M.S. Dhoni. Let us hope he plays the right people for the match and then play the right cricket to win the match. 

PS: For a less detailed but reasonable analysis , please read this.

The Chuck Norris of Cricket

Look! I can hold five balls at a time without gloves. 
With gloves,it is a different story all together.

He was just another Pakistani cricketer when he started his career in 2002. He caught the attention of the media for his Bugs Bunny like teeth, which is used as case-study in the dentist schools in the sub-continent. His career growth increased slowly but steadily and in recent times his cricketing prowess has overshadowed even Sachin Tendulkar. Now, he is every Pakistani bowler's nightmare, a batsman's talisman and his reputation is such that pundits such as Ravi Shastri and Navjot Sidhu have christened him as the Chuck Norris of cricket. Ladies and Gentlemen, he is none other than Kamran Akmal. Due to his sudden raise to fame, 'Heavily Not Enough' Production company has received several scripts which demand Kamran's presence as a lead actor. Since, we at 'Heavily Not Enough' Production Company find every script as shambolic as the other, we request your inputs to make these scripts a wee bit better so that we attain unimaginable profits. 

12 Lakh Angry Men

This is a low budget movie as it has only one scene in which Kamran faces the public to defend his performance in the world cup. What follows is a one hour Mark Antony-esque speech that wins the hearts of the angry men and shifts the blame on his own brother, Umar Akmal. Here is an excerpt from that speech.

Akmal: Friends, Enemies, Terrorists, Match-fixers and countrymen, lend me your ears. I have come to bury Akmal, not to praise him.

First Citizen: Methinks there is no reason in his sayings. Let us burn him alive.

Catch Me If You Can

This is an animation-psychological thriller: a new approach in the world of cinema claims the script-writer. The movie follows the life of a budding wicket-keeper who faces hallucinations of anthromorphic images of cricket balls talking to him. As literacy in his area is below par, Kamran can't quite follow the words spoken by the balls initially. Every time Kamran keeps the wicket, he is tortured by this balls  which taunt him by saying "Catch me if you can". The mysterious plot unfolds slowly and ends with a riveting climax where Kamran discovers the hallucinations are not images of cricket balls but his own.

One Flew Over The Keeper's Head

Kamran Akmal pretends to be a wicket-keeper to escape the dog-like running in the outfield and to hide his hideous bowling skills in the cricket selection. The cricket selectors are astounded by Kamran's talent and select him when he gathers 5 balls at a time (See picture) and gives a triumphant look. He tries to liven the matches up a bit by dropping dollies and missing stumpings, but the media is after him at every turn. How Kamran emerges successful against all odds forms the crux of the story. The script has no ending but the script writer says he has planned for 3 sequels : Two flew over the Keeper's Head, Three flew over the Keeper's Head and Many flew over the Keeper's head.


Dr.Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Catching and Drop the Ball


Kamran is supposed to play three roles for this movie. The roles are: a wicket-keeper, a wicket-keeper who drops catches and a part time scientist and wicket-keeper suffering from Alien Hand Syndrome. This movie promises to be a laugh riot for all ardent cricket fans. The movie ends with Kamran taking a blinder of a catch of a no-ball and exclaims with joy " Captain! I can catch! " but fails to appreciate the irony.


Other half-baked scripts include: To Catch a Ball, Cool Hand Kamran, Snatch, Invasion of the Ball Snatcher. Kamran will play the pivotal role of the wicket-keeper in all the movies. This is the first time 'Heavily Not Enough' Production Company has received so many scripts designed for just one person. Rumors are going on that we will have many scripts adapted from popular books shown in the comic below. 

Courtesy: Cricinfo

Anti-Chokera Mechanism

They possess one of the strongest batting line up in this tournament. They have a devastating bowling attack and quite surprisingly few genuine spinners which they have lacked over the years. They have always been  the best fielding side. And yet, they are most famously known for their exceptional skills which has earned them the reputed tag of the " Perennial Underachievers" or in layman terms : "Chokers". You can't blame the South Africans. In the very first World Cup they played in 1992, they were shell-shocked to see 21 runs from 1 ball on the screen after taking a short break due to a shower. From then on, they have been psychologically affected more than anything. Every World Cup, they discover new ways to get defeated or they get right royally raped like in 2007 semi-finals against Australia.
However, this World Cup ,the South Africans are certainly going to win the trophy thanks to the innovative measures taken by Cricket South Africa (South African cricket board ) . This program was quite bizarrely titled " Anti-Chokera Mechanism".


Initiative#1: Deep Penance in the Hlatikhulu Forest to the God of Rains

It is believed that the entire South African squad were forced to pray to Varuna bhagavan (this man is responsible for the rains in the sub-continent) to avoid the aforementioned 1992 WC scenario. However, few IPL players initially disregarded this idea as " waste of time" since they were certain about climatic conditions and rainy seasons in India. The penance did go on well but reports suggest that Varuna bhagavan wasn't impressed with Amla's incessant beard scratching and felt it was disrespectful. The prayers seemed to have worked so far but still there is a possibility that Varuna bhagavan might unleash a Tsunami in their match in Chennai. Fingers crossed.

Initiative#2: Recruited Reverend Mathematicians

Cricket South Africa did take the advice of few players and held special Mathematics class for the players. The special class turned out to be a disaster. It seems the teacher resorted to realistic problems which affected the players very much. The teacher asked Morkel to calculate how many runs he had to hit per ball if SA required 9 runs from 3 balls. Boucher, who was uninvited, posed a very intriguing question: "9 runs to draw or win, Sir". Meanwhile, Morkel had successfully calculated that he had to hit 3 runs per ball. As an extension of the problem the teacher asked  " What if you ran one short? You need 7 runs from 2 balls. What will you do?". The South Africans were disgruntled when they heard Morkel had run one short and Tsotsobe broke into tears wondering how he would hit 3.5 runs a ball. Hence, the South African cricket board has appointed the kids from "Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hain? " to take away the mathematical burden on the cricketers.

Initiave#3: New Selection Philosophy

When every other cricket team in the world followed the traditional approach of selection based on the players performance and other cricketing attributes, South Africa did something very different. One of the selectors, being an avid fan of Vadivel comedy tracks, was inspired by this following comedy clip and that is why we see the likes of Imran Tahir and Tsotsobe in this team.

Initiative#4: Appointing Darth Vader as the leader of the Anti Choke Squad

I am the Choker, you punks!

Alas, South Africans are definitely bound to choke. To tackle that inevitable situation Cricket South Africa has appointed Darth Vader. However, the exact role of Darth Vader in this 2011 World Cup remains mysterious. 

With all these groundbreaking initiatives, it would be unwise to put your money on some other team than South Africa. Don't you dare say you "Bleed Blue" for you shall be beaten black and blue by Darth Vader.

Characteristics Of Indian Football Fans

Arsenal Fan
A person who always tries to use the word "Invincible" in a sentence but unfortunately pronounces it "Invisible" for God only knows what reason. Strict follower of Wengerism (a worthless philosophy) and always found with a book titled " How to Pass N times in a D box without Scoring" authored by Arsene Wenger. Picks up unnecessary fights with big clubs who have won 18 league titles and few CL titles but ultimately ends up being whopped hard and sent home crying. Always gets bullied by a fellow London club fan but takes pride in saying Ashley Cole was from my club. Would end up marrying a beautiful gal even if she doesn give the desired performance and result in bed because according to them "Results don't matter.They play beautiful football"

Chelsea Fan
A person who dint know the existence of this club until a certain Roman bought it. They infact believed he was an Italian (Rome-Roman) until some educated London club fans told he was a Russian billionaire. But not even now can they spell the owner's last name. Apart from bullying the above mentioned club,they try...well nothing..they don't do anything apart that. Favorite actor would be Didier Drogba for pretty obvious reasons. They would be having a troubled sex life because they would keep trying and trying even if it doesn't go in just like Lampard's shots on goals. They get offended easily when you say their IQ is as good as a nutless monkey. But they do make a strong comeback by saying " Hey listen! I am better than a nutless monkey! ".

Manchester City Fan
At the end of this season we can expect a significant rise in number of these people. Characteristics will be studied and published later. Would have been the same case for Chelsea fans if the characteristic study had been conducted in 2005-2006.

Tottenham Fan
Every other club's fan has a surprising soft spot for the Spurs. Hence specific characteristics couldn't be singled out in the studies performed.

Manchester United Fan
They are classified into two groups
1. Group XX
2. Group XY
People falling into Group XX are very common and don't have a brain of their own. They can google stuffs like "Funny jokes of Liverpool FC" at a speed equal to 3.00 *10^8 m/s. Don't be surprised if u find clichéd stuffs like "Loserfools" , "YAWN (apparent play of words with the phrase YNWA) and other popular stuffs. They will make it seem like no player is bigger than the club or Fergie but in reality they will cry in their rooms when Rooney leaves. Unlike other club's fans their sex life is awesome. Even if it is a worst performance ,Fergie time is always there to make up for the initial debacle.The other group, Group XY, are pretty much the same but have got balls.

Liverpool Fan
They were apparently too sad to cooperate for the studies.Hence, if any other club's fan is offended by a remark from a Liverpool fan,please excuse the Liverpool fan and say " It's ok. We understand."