Friday, March 4, 2011

Anti-Chokera Mechanism

They possess one of the strongest batting line up in this tournament. They have a devastating bowling attack and quite surprisingly few genuine spinners which they have lacked over the years. They have always been  the best fielding side. And yet, they are most famously known for their exceptional skills which has earned them the reputed tag of the " Perennial Underachievers" or in layman terms : "Chokers". You can't blame the South Africans. In the very first World Cup they played in 1992, they were shell-shocked to see 21 runs from 1 ball on the screen after taking a short break due to a shower. From then on, they have been psychologically affected more than anything. Every World Cup, they discover new ways to get defeated or they get right royally raped like in 2007 semi-finals against Australia.
However, this World Cup ,the South Africans are certainly going to win the trophy thanks to the innovative measures taken by Cricket South Africa (South African cricket board ) . This program was quite bizarrely titled " Anti-Chokera Mechanism".

Initiative#1: Deep Penance in the Hlatikhulu Forest to the God of Rains

It is believed that the entire South African squad were forced to pray to Varuna bhagavan (this man is responsible for the rains in the sub-continent) to avoid the aforementioned 1992 WC scenario. However, few IPL players initially disregarded this idea as " waste of time" since they were certain about climatic conditions and rainy seasons in India. The penance did go on well but reports suggest that Varuna bhagavan wasn't impressed with Amla's incessant beard scratching and felt it was disrespectful. The prayers seemed to have worked so far but still there is a possibility that Varuna bhagavan might unleash a Tsunami in their match in Chennai. Fingers crossed.

Initiative#2: Recruited Reverend Mathematicians

Cricket South Africa did take the advice of few players and held special Mathematics class for the players. The special class turned out to be a disaster. It seems the teacher resorted to realistic problems which affected the players very much. The teacher asked Morkel to calculate how many runs he had to hit per ball if SA required 9 runs from 3 balls. Boucher, who was uninvited, posed a very intriguing question: "9 runs to draw or win, Sir". Meanwhile, Morkel had successfully calculated that he had to hit 3 runs per ball. As an extension of the problem the teacher asked  " What if you ran one short? You need 7 runs from 2 balls. What will you do?". The South Africans were disgruntled when they heard Morkel had run one short and Tsotsobe broke into tears wondering how he would hit 3.5 runs a ball. Hence, the South African cricket board has appointed the kids from "Kya Aap Paanchvi Pass Se Tez Hain? " to take away the mathematical burden on the cricketers.

Initiave#3: New Selection Philosophy

When every other cricket team in the world followed the traditional approach of selection based on the players performance and other cricketing attributes, South Africa did something very different. One of the selectors, being an avid fan of Vadivel comedy tracks, was inspired by this following comedy clip and that is why we see the likes of Imran Tahir and Tsotsobe in this team.

Initiative#4: Appointing Darth Vader as the leader of the Anti Choke Squad
I am the Choker, you punks!

Alas, South Africans are definitely bound to choke. To tackle that inevitable situation Cricket South Africa has appointed Darth Vader. However, the exact role of Darth Vader in this 2011 World Cup remains mysterious. 

With all these groundbreaking initiatives, it would be unwise to put your money on some other team than South Africa. Don't you dare say you "Bleed Blue" for you shall be beaten black and blue by Darth Vader.

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