Saturday, March 12, 2011

The Chuck Norris of Cricket

Look! I can hold five balls at a time without gloves. 
With gloves,it is a different story all together.
He was just another Pakistani cricketer when he started his career in 2002. He caught the attention of the media for his Bugs Bunny like teeth, which is used as case-study in the dentist schools in the sub-continent. His career growth increased slowly but steadily and in recent times his cricketing prowess has overshadowed even Sachin Tendulkar. Now, he is every Pakistani bowler's nightmare, a batsman's talisman and his reputation is such that pundits such as Ravi Shastri and Navjot Sidhu have christened him as the Chuck Norris of cricket. Ladies and Gentlemen, he is none other than Kamran Akmal. Due to his sudden raise to fame, 'Heavily Not Enough' Production company has received several scripts which demand Kamran's presence as a lead actor. Since, we at 'Heavily Not Enough' Production Company find every script as shambolic as the other, we request your inputs to make these scripts a wee bit better so that we attain unimaginable profits. 

12 Lakh Angry Men

This is a low budget movie as it has only one scene in which Kamran faces the public to defend his performance in the world cup. What follows is a one hour Mark Antony-esque speech that wins the hearts of the angry men and shifts the blame on his own brother, Umar Akmal. Here is an excerpt from that speech.
Akmal: Friends, Enemies, Terrorists, Match-fixers and countrymen, lend me your ears. I have come to bury Akmal, not to praise him.
First Citizen: Methinks there is no reason in his sayings. Let us burn him alive.

Catch Me If You Can

This is an animation-psychological thriller: a new approach in the world of cinema claims the script-writer. The movie follows the life of a budding wicket-keeper who faces hallucinations of anthromorphic images of cricket balls talking to him. As literacy in his area is below par, Kamran can't quite follow the words spoken by the balls initially. Every time Kamran keeps the wicket, he is tortured by this balls  which taunt him by saying "Catch me if you can". The mysterious plot unfolds slowly and ends with a riveting climax where Kamran discovers the hallucinations are not images of cricket balls but his own.

One Flew Over The Keeper's Head

Kamran Akmal pretends to be a wicket-keeper to escape the dog-like running in the outfield and to hide his hideous bowling skills in the cricket selection. The cricket selectors are astounded by Kamran's talent and select him when he gathers 5 balls at a time (See picture) and gives a triumphant look. He tries to liven the matches up a bit by dropping dollies and missing stumpings, but the media is after him at every turn. How Kamran emerges successful against all odds forms the crux of the story. The script has no ending but the script writer says he has planned for 3 sequels : Two flew over the Keeper's Head, Three flew over the Keeper's Head and Many flew over the Keeper's head.

Dr.Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Catching and Drop the Ball

Kamran is supposed to play three roles for this movie. The roles are: a wicket-keeper, a wicket-keeper who drops catches and a part time scientist and wicket-keeper suffering from Alien Hand Syndrome. This movie promises to be a laugh riot for all ardent cricket fans. The movie ends with Kamran taking a blinder of a catch of a no-ball and exclaims with joy " Captain! I can catch! " but fails to appreciate the irony.

Other half-baked scripts include: To Catch a Ball, Cool Hand Kamran, Snatch, Invasion of the Ball Snatcher. Kamran will play the pivotal role of the wicket-keeper in all the movies. This is the first time 'Heavily Not Enough' Production Company has received so many scripts designed for just one person. Rumors are going on that we will have many scripts adapted from popular books shown in the comic below. 

Courtesy: Cricinfo

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