Saturday, August 13, 2011

I am Back!

Look who is back after a hiatus of 2 months! Yes, it is me. Barclays Premier League. I am sorry I had to take two months off. I had to give my accomplice, Mr. Transfer Market, a chance to make me more exciting. I must say he has done an excellent job by tinkering with most of the parts in my body. Oh yeah, I refer to the teams as my body parts. For example, my derriere is called Chelsea and my crotch is called Manchester City. Transfer Market has spent a lot for my crotch by giving me something called Price Aguero's piercing akin to Prince Albert's piercing. Although the prospects are exciting, I am not comfortable when people spend so much for just one part. Anyway, if you guys have any questions regarding this season or anything in general, shoot'em.

Arsenal Fan: Hi BPL. I am an Arsenal fan. What do you think about Arsenal prospects this season?
BPL: I didn't expect such a difficult question early on. To be honest, Arsenal's reign at the top of the table will end today. I must say I have been kind to you guys by arranging my teams in an alphabetical order so that you aren't disappointed even during the off season. I happened to see this extremely hilarious video that pretty much sums up my thoughts. Enjoy it. Stan vs Wenger Remix.

Media Guy: I have promised my employers that I shall bring some scintillating news to their desks. Can you give me some tips?
BPL: Ha! How smart of you! I would advise you to have a secret surveillance camera at Manchester City's dressing room. I am sure you can find out who helps Balotelli wear his underwear. Then, don't miss Neil Warnock's post match rants, especially after a poor refereeing decisions. Also make sure you are present when Drogba teaches Lukaku the secret of poor acting.

Liverpool Fan: My question is very simple. Will Liverpool win the title?
BPL: I will align with your euphoric mental state now and positively say that Liverpool will be the eternal champions. Although, I am sure you have heard about The Scouse's Boom Bust Cycle.

Everton Fan: I am disappointed with the riots, which lead to the cancellation of our match. What do you think?
BPL: If I were you, I would be really happy. Considering that you won't be at the bottom of the table after Week 1, it is a dream start for Everton.

Alex Ferguson: Will I have any special favors this season?
BPL: As always, the whistle will not be blown until your team has scored the winner. Referees will be arranged to give penalty kicks in all matches. And, you can give Howard Webb a Man Utd jersey. He said he would like No.13. As you know, I don't have the balls to disappoint you. You will enjoy this season too, Sir.

Fernando Torres: I would like the goal post to be widened by a meter on each side and also an increase in the height of the goal post will be helpful. Is that possible?
BPL: Oh yeah! I will also provide you with a magical broom and a wand to weave your magic in front of the goal.

Joey Barton: Fuck you. I hate this fucking hoopla surrounding this dumb thing. Fuck you, again.
BPL: I was about to ask the security guards to drag you out but I just realised that you were Joey Barton. You are pardoned.

Man City Fan: I was the brainchild behind the Welcome to Manchester Poster. Can you give me an idea for another poster?
BPL: I suggest you work on redecorating your club's logo. You can take inspiration from this sample logo.

That is the end of the question session. Although some of my answers were a bit provocative, I know you guys will love me despite that. You can expect another roller-coaster ride from me this season. I will never cease to excite and I shall never disappoint. Aurevoir!

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