Today's Kelvi aka TK v4.0

Howdy High Funda Homo-sapiens!

Presenting you, Today's Kelvi aka TK: It is always today's kelvi even if you ask it tomorrow or yesterday or on the Pope's birthday. TK is a franchise whose origin is not exactly known. Some believe that it started on the day Mark Twain saw the Halley's comet while others believe that it originated during World War II to cheer up grim soldiers with some futile comedy. There is also another myth that TK actually originates  in circa 2029 AD and uses time travel to reach the audience of the present. But, that would be called as Tomorrow's Kelvi and not Today's Kelvi ; Hence, the myth is rejected.

TK is not one of the leaders in its market due to stiff competition. In fact, TK has hit rock bottom due to the aggressive growth of other kampenis such as Omiethehomie by Omie the homo, Neo CaO or Harry Lime Quiz by Lord of the Quizzings , Alpha & Omega Quiz Club by 2D Man and finally, Arbit Funda by Arbit Azhagiri. However, TK vows to stabilise its rock bottom position by its new innovative version: TK v 4.0. For the uninitiated, here is a brief history about the previous versions of TK.

• TK v1.0 - via SMS. This version lasted exactly for 28 days as the Nokia phone,which TK's providers used, decided to end its life by falling into a bucket of water from one of the providers' pocket.
• TK v2.0 - via E-mail/ SMS. This version was considered the most successful one as it lasted for about 5 months and 21 days. TK learnt that e-mail was a very useful tool! It also used SMS ocassionaly when BSNL net connection showed its true colour.
• TK v3.0 - via Facebook. TK's initiative to go global with Facebook bombed big time because it failed to realise Facebook is primarily for stalking girls.
• TK v4.0 - via Blog. Inspired by Shri Shri Harish Swamigal, TK will hit the blogs this 2011 hoping that the kids of GaTech Vijay will mug all the questions from this in the future.TK v4.0 will follow a unique way of themed questions. Each week will have 4-7 questions based on a single theme chosen by Prophet Mario and his disciples. 

TK franchise promises to maintain a leader board and also assures to award the leader of each month fruitfully. Yes, even Water Melon can be an award. But don't get your hopes too high! Mostly a banana would be the award.

Watch out for the questions here next year! And kindly neglect other random articles if you are not a big fan of gibberish. May you help TK maintain its lowly position for the rest of the year.

ThanK YoU!

Man Madan Ambu: So Called Review

Disclaimer: This is a futile attempt at writing a review which pleases the Kamal Fans.

Genre: Romance? / Comedy?

Starring: Kamal Hassan, Madhavan, Trisha, Sangeetha.

Direction: K.S.Ravikumar

Music: Yo! This is DSP!

The much awaited Kamal-KSR combo movie hits the screens finally but woefully at the wrong time. The Christmas -New Year time is generally regarded as a period of joy and merrymaking and movies that are not in line with the festive mood are rarely appreciated. Man Madan Ambu starts slowly, moves at a speed that a tortoise would be proud of, wanders aimlessly like a lost pet dog and ends eons later. In fact, there is point when you feel that the luxury ship is the only thing moving in the movie and the only thing that has a final destination (Marseille is my guess). Oh yes! There is a luxury ship in the movie.

Man Madan Ambu (Cupid’s Arrow) is inevitably a love story with elements of comedy here and there.  Ambujakshi aka Ambu (Trisha) is an actress who is engaged to Madana Gopal aka Madan (Madhavan), who is a filthy rich inebriate industrialist. Madan has trust issues with Ambu because of her profession and not surprisingly, they fight and take a break. She goes on a vacation to Europe in the aforementioned ship with her class mate Deepa (Sangeetha) who is a divorcee with two kids. Major Raja Mannar (Kamal) is a private detective employed by Madan to spy Ambu’s activities. Major Mannar takes this job to cover the medical expenses of his friend (Ramesh Aravind), a cancer patient. What happens next is a series of drab scenes, with occasional witty lines that evoke laughter sparsely, building up to a climax that is predictable.

Despite the lack of depth in the script, the actors have given a commendable performance. Kamal’s charisma, Trisha’s Tamil (She has dubbed for herself for the first time), Maddy’s drunken expressions and dialogues and Sangeetha’s spontaneity are some, if not all, positives of the movie. Other positives include the luxury ship, which lures the audience with its mere presence. Kamal’s narration of his past in reverse coupled with the melodious Neela Vaanam in Kamal’s voice is very impressive. The rest of the cast fails to make an impact. Ramesh Aravind and Oorvasi are generally at their best in comical roles but still have done justice to their rather downcast roles as a cancer patient and his wife.

Devi Sri Prasad’s background score is mediocre, although few songs are worth humming. Suriya’s cameo as Trisha’s co-star in the ‘Oyyala’ song is certainly applaudable. Kamal’s unbridled talent in all areas of film making is respectable but it would be better if he only does what he is best at. To sum up, Man Madan Ambu is a disheartening effort from Kamal Hassan and K.S.Ravikumar who have given us much better rib tickling comical movies such as Avai Shanmughi, Thenali and Panchathanthiram.

Verdict: For once, Cupid’s Arrow misfires.

Whose Son Is He Anyway?

Genre : Adventure/Drama/Family/Gibberish

Disclaimer : Most of the words,phrases,names or places that sound familiar are stolen from www.imdb.com

Scene: Classroom number 42 . 40 5th Grade Students
Teacher [adjusting his pants,pulling his tummy inside and taking a deep breath]: Dear Students. Today I am gonna tell you one of the greatest stories I’ve ever heard!!
Student 1[as excited as ever] : Is it the story of Indiana Jones,sir?
Teacher : Greatest stories are not always about Indiana Jones,kid. This is about the Life of Brian. Shall I begin?
Students in unison : Yes, sir.
Teacher :
Chapter 1 : The Brian Identity

“Once upon a time in America, there lived a lady called Rosemary who was unfaithful to three men and a baby. Rosemary’s baby was born on the 4th of July in Chinatown. He was called Brian. Brian was a simple kid who loved eating American pie and spaghetti. He had a beautiful mind and was an avid reader.He yearned to celebrate father’s day by eating chocolat with his big daddy .But whenever Brian asked Rosemary about his father/fathers she would always reply “ You can’t handle the truth”. On one fine day in the year 1984,Rosemary was on her deathbed due to the consumption of duck soup which seemed like chicken soup to her. Knowing that this was going to be the last day of her life, Rosemary tells Brian the story of her life. The story goes on for six days and seven nights. Obviously she doesn’t die before she finishes the story and dies exactly 1 minute after her story. Brian stands up slowly,bangs the wall with his fist, full of dollars, and exclaims “ She was here all night and now she is gone in 60 seconds”[Students give a thunderous applause and stop only when the teacher promises them there are more dialogues, better than this, to come in the story] .Brian vows to find his father but he knows very few details. Rosemary had told Brian the names of the three kings(she called herself a queen) in her life. Nemo, Schindler and Harry. She had also said that she believed that among Nemo,Schindler and Harry ,whoever had something 8½ inches long, was Brian’s father. Brian still wondered what was the thing that was 8½ inches long. Nevertheless, he geared up for the greatest adventure in his life. He gave himself 28 days to find his father or become a father himself.”

Student 1(shouting enthusiastically) : I know and I have something that is 8½ cm long!!
Student 2 (with a smirk on his face) : Mine is 9 cm long.
Student 3 (nonchalantly) : Length doesn’t matter. How well you use it, matters.
Student 4 (quizzically) : Are you talking about pencils?
Teacher (gets frustrated but maintains his composure) : Will you all stop the discussion now and listen to the story?
Students in unison: Yes,sir.

Teacher (clears his throat and continues the story):
Chapter 2 : Finding Nemo

Brian takes a train to Seattle and reaches there in 88 minutes. Rosemary had spent her heydays in Seattle writing a lot of scary ghost and devil stories. She was called ‘the’ ghost writer . Brian becomes restless and sleepless in Seattle after wasting five days by just observing the lives of others. On the sixth day, Brian gets a gorgeous idea to advertise in the newspaper about Nemo ,Schindler and Harry. He runs to the apartment nearby to ask for help. Brian climbs 39 steps and rings the bell. An old boy opens the door and exclaims " Welcome home my son". Brian is surprised but doesn't ask any questions. The old boy introduces himself as Nemo, the greatest head banger of all times and explains how he banged Rosemary. Despite being ecstatic about the serendipity,Brian is curious to know how Nemo knew Brian would arrive. Nemo coolly answers " intuition because of an inception " [Students are in an awestruck wonder and bow in reverence]. Brian seems convinced but suddenly remembers about the 8½ inch thing which his father should possess. He asks Nemo for something 8½ inch long to prove he is the father. Nemo thinks hard with his eyes wide shut and then feels ashamed that he has nothing longer than 8 cm with him. Brian leaves saying "You are the father I deserve, but not the one I need right now.You are a silent guardian, watchful protector.The Dark Dad."
[Students whistle and clap loudly even though they don't understand what a dark dad is.]
The bell rings and the teacher promises to continue the story in the next class.

Watch out for the next episode of Whose Son is he Anyway? and here is a preview of what you might witness.

Chapter 3 : Schindler's List

Brian travels to Munich to search for Schindler and successfully finds him but he is surprised when Rosemary is not there in Schindler's List of women he has had. Will Schindler hav a List B which has the name of Rosemary? Stay tuned!

Chapter 4 : Dirty Harry
If Brian confirms Schindler is his father,this chapter will not be there.

Chapter 5 : May or may not be there
The script writer isn't sure of the story himself.

Characteristics Of Indian Football Fans

Arsenal Fan
A person who always tries to use the word "Invincible" in a sentence but unfortunately pronounces it "Invisible" for God only knows what reason. Strict follower of Wengerism (a worthless philosophy) and always found with a book titled " How to Pass N times in a D box without Scoring" authored by Arsene Wenger. Picks up unnecessary fights with big clubs who have won 18 league titles and few CL titles but ultimately ends up being whopped hard and sent home crying. Always gets bullied by a fellow London club fan but takes pride in saying Ashley Cole was from my club. Would end up marrying a beautiful gal even if she doesn give the desired performance and result in bed because according to them "Results don't matter.They play beautiful football"

Chelsea Fan
A person who dint know the existence of this club until a certain Roman bought it. They infact believed he was an Italian (Rome-Roman) until some educated London club fans told he was a Russian billionaire. But not even now can they spell the owner's last name. Apart from bullying the above mentioned club,they try...well nothing..they don't do anything apart that. Favorite actor would be Didier Drogba for pretty obvious reasons. They would be having a troubled sex life because they would keep trying and trying even if it doesn't go in just like Lampard's shots on goals. They get offended easily when you say their IQ is as good as a nutless monkey. But they do make a strong comeback by saying " Hey listen! I am better than a nutless monkey! ".

Manchester City Fan
At the end of this season we can expect a significant rise in number of these people. Characteristics will be studied and published later. Would have been the same case for Chelsea fans if the characteristic study had been conducted in 2005-2006.

Tottenham Fan
Every other club's fan has a surprising soft spot for the Spurs. Hence specific characteristics couldn't be singled out in the studies performed.

Manchester United Fan
They are classified into two groups
1. Group XX
2. Group XY
People falling into Group XX are very common and don't have a brain of their own. They can google stuffs like "Funny jokes of Liverpool FC" at a speed equal to 3.00 *10^8 m/s. Don't be surprised if u find clichéd stuffs like "Loserfools" , "YAWN (apparent play of words with the phrase YNWA) and other popular stuffs. They will make it seem like no player is bigger than the club or Fergie but in reality they will cry in their rooms when Rooney leaves. Unlike other club's fans their sex life is awesome. Even if it is a worst performance ,Fergie time is always there to make up for the initial debacle.The other group, Group XY, are pretty much the same but have got balls.

Liverpool Fan
They were apparently too sad to cooperate for the studies.Hence, if any other club's fan is offended by a remark from a Liverpool fan,please excuse the Liverpool fan and say " It's ok. We understand."

Mission Buffet : The Ten Commandments

Disclaimer : All the futile attempts at humour are intended and expressed...poorly


The Oxford Advanced Learner’s Dictionary defines buffet as a meal at which people serve themselves from a table and then stand or sit somewhere else to eat. But for me or anyone reading this, a buffet would be defined as “Limited amount, unlimited food”. As exciting as it may sound, unlimited food , if not eaten according to the rules etched by Gadothgajan, is a bane. Since the Archaeological Survey of India failed to conduct proper survey in this area (India), I was lucky enough to stumble upon this ancient stone which had ten important rules for a buffet. As per the wish of Gadothgajan, I would like to enlighten all human beings.

The following rules are translated into simple English for the benefit of all.

Rule No.1: 12 hours minimum starvation. Water and fresh juices with 99% water content can be consumed.

Rule No.2: Avoid using vehicles to reach the destination. Walk or run (Whichever suits your appetite better).

Rule No.3: Do not panic on seeing myriad of eatable items. A soup will help you to calm down and think more clearly.

Rule No.4: Do not forget to add pepper to the soup. Pepper stimulates hunger.

Rule no.5: Do not classify the items as starters, main course and desserts. It adds unnecessary pressure and performance level deteriorates.

Rule No.6: Avoid green salads and other raw vegetables. They occupy excess space.

Rule No.7: Do not be a victim of gluttony to a specific item. You may end up missing one or two items and hence suffer psychological break-down.

Rule No.8: Small walks are advisable during the mission as it surely increases the intake efficiency.

Rule No.9: Do not entertain adrenalin rushing conversations during the mission as researches have shown they induce false feeling of “Whew! I am full! “.

Rule No.10: Drop a tear when you pay the bill. This indicates how successful your mission was.

After all ...
This is the way a buffet ends
This is the way a buffet ends
This is the way a buffet ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Kalanidhi Vs Kalmadi

Disclaimer : This work is purely fictional. Only the characters are real.

Part 1
Elated after being appointed as the president of Indian Olympic Committee, Kalanidhi Maran spares a minute for our journalist from Dubakur Daily and talks about his plans for the Commonwealth Games.

Journalist (J) : Congratulations Mr Kalanidhi on becoming the president of the IOC and taking up responsibility for the Commonwealth Games.

Kalanidhi (K) : Thank you very much. It has been my dream to produce such a high budget movie.

J : A movie? I am asking about the CWG,sir.

K : I consider all the things I do as a movie. After all , life is a big movie and the whole word is a part of that movie.

J : That's very philosophical,sir! Anyways, can you tell us about the plans for the CWG?

K: Well,to start with..we will have about 17 events and songs in between every event.

J :Wow! That's a brilliant idea! What inspired you to get such an idea?

K : I have had this idea always. I have roped in the great musician Deva to compose the songs and Mozart of India,Mani Sharma to compose music for the opening ceremony.

J: Fantastic! Sounds fabulous! What about the venue for the events, sir?

K : We have quite a lot of options for that. I have sent a team to hunt for locations.

J : Can you elucidate,sir?

K : Well,for swimming we have zeroed on River Thames. Such a beautiful location. All the swimmers are in for some treat!

J : Makes me wanna become a swimmer! Very exciting! What about the track events?

K : All the track events will take place in and around the Colosseum of Rome. It will give the event more authenticity and reality and the athletes will surely love the location.

J: Mind blowing! This is surely going to be the best CWG ever! Have you planned anything else,sir?

K: That's it for now. I have a meeting now. Just watch out for many surprises.

J : Sure! All the best Mr.Kalanidhi!

Part 2
Our journalist from Dubakur Daily catches up with Mr.Suresh Kalmadi,producer of the latest Superstar movie Enthiran,for just 42 seconds. Here is what he has to say about the movie.
Journalist (J): What is your take on the movie,sir?

Kalmadi (K) : I take everything.

J : Pardon me? You take everything? Oh you mean the responsibility?

K : No No. Wait I shall explain. Heard of the Ba Ba Black Sheep rhyme? I am a huge fan of that rhyme. I shall take one for my first wife,one for my second wife and one for my third wife who lives down the road.

J : Oh, So how will you produce the movie?

K : Rajnikanth will demand my resignation sooner or later. I shall oblige to that but deny the fact that I have stolen any money. And since you know this I will give you Thousand Rupees.

J : But I am sure the whole crew will need your support to complete the movie,sir. Why don't you produce it?

K : SECURITY!! This man is trying to talk me into producing this movie. Take him away.

J : *Indistinct Noise*

To subscribe to the Dubakur Daily , please check www.dubakurdaily.com

The Bond Legacy

Scene 1 :
Dr No, wearing a well tailored Reid &Taylor suit , a black shoes ( polished using Kiwi shoe polish) but not wearing socks, enters the CIA headquarters unseen and unarmed. He barges into the meeting room in the 13th floor . The room is badly lit. The walls in this tiny room are splashed with an ugly orange. The five officials in the room are startled by the appearance of a person during an extended lunch hour. The highest ranked official, XXX, stuffs the last piece of his extra long Sub and interrogates Dr No.

XXX: Who are you?
Dr No: Dr. No
XXX: Where do you come from?
Dr No : From Russia with love

The contemptuous replies from Dr. No are disliked by XX, the second highest ranked official, and he moves his hand towards his gun in his holster. XXX gives an assuring look to XX and says he shall handle this.

XXX: Why are you here?
Dr No : On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
XXX : Secret Service? KGB?
Dr No [nonchalantly] : I shall answer that if one of you give me the expansion of KGB.

XXX looks at his colleagues expectantly but no one pays heed except for the newly joined officer whose name is not known. The newly joined officer whose name is not known frantically googles using his eye-phone to impress XXX but figures out that the expansion is unpronounceable and gives XXX a nod of disappointment.

XXX: Ok . So what do you want?
Dr. No : License to Kill
XXX [annoyingly]:We will never give you a license to kill to . Never.
Dr. No : Never say never again. I am holding your spy as a prisoner.
XXX : Which spy?
Dr No : The spy who loved me.
XXX : Oh that one. You can have her. Do you have the spy who spanked me?
Dr No [thinks for some time and chooses his words carefully] : No.
XXX : Oh..then you may leave. Forget your license to kill. I won’t even give you a view to a kill.
Dr. No : No wait. I just said my name again. I have her too.
XXX : Your name is No?
Dr No : Yes, No.
XXX : Yes or No? You are confusing me.
Dr. No : No. Dr.No. And I have your spy.
XXX : Ok. Show her. Now!

XX, the man with no name and the others give a triumphant look as Dr.No is taken aback by XXX’s clever and witty replies. XXX,however, signals something incomprehensible to XX and gives an extremely wicked look.

Dr No [stuttering] :I’ll show you tomorrow.
XXX : But tomorrow never dies.
Dr No : What do you mean by tomorrow never dies?
XXX : I don’t know. It sounds good.
Dr. No : Ok , I’ll show you the spy who spanked you tomorrow when you tell me what “tomorrow never dies” means

Dr. No turns to leave as XX points his gun at Dr. No. Eerie silence fills the room . Everyone is tensed. The man with no name breaks the silence.

The man with no name [after frantically googling again] : Sir, Tomorrow Never Dies is one Bond movie.
XXX: One Bond? You mean Single Bond?

XXX and XX start discussing the different type of Bonds such as Double Bond,Triple Bond while the man with no name checks his eye-phone again to impress XXX but is disappointed to find the battery drained in his eye-phone. Out of frustration , he throws the eye-phone and it hits No’s left eye. Something golden falls out of his eye. Dr.No screams in pain and faints.

XX [checking Dr No’s heart beat] : I think he is dead.
XXX : We are not letting him die in our extended lunch hour! Wake him up. He shall die another day.
Dr. No [gets up suddenly and shouts angrily] : What happened to my Golden eye??
XX : You have a golden eye??!!
Dr.No : And also a goldfinger! [ And shows his middle finger which offends XXX]
XXX: You are filthy rich you son of a bitch. Now tell me where is the spy who shagged me?
Dr. No : I don’t have the spy who shagged you.

XXX pulls a golden gun from his holster and presses it against Dr No’s head.

All officials in unison : The man with the golden gun!!
XXX : You people didn’t know that I was the man with the golden gun?
XX : No sir. We have heard so many myths about the man with the golden gun but we weren’t allowed to talk about him.

XXX laughs haughtily and presses the gun harder against Dr No’s head.

XXX : Tell me what you know about him.
XX: Among great people who live and let die, you are the one who is most feared. We have heard you have got something called as a thunder ball which when used against a pussy cat will slay the pussy into eight parts. Thus, you have the nick-name Octo-pussy slayer.
Man with no name : Can you show us the thunder ball ,sir?
XXX [pressing the gun harder on Dr.No] : Did you hear that Dr No? [Laughs like a hyena] You...........[continues laughing and swallows the words].......not enough.
Dr.No : What is not enough?
XXX: The World in not enough!
Dr.No : I don’t understand the phrases you use. Leave me now. I shall give you this golden eye.
XXX [thinking hard and stammering] : Yes .No. Ofcourse.

Out of nowhere someone shouts "CUT". It is the director of the movie.

Director [fuming] : You haven’t learnt your dialogues by heart ,XXX. I am fed up with your terrible acting and dialogue delivery . This is the 108th take. You are just wasting my time. I am gonna fire you all. You morons.
XXX : Am quitting this movie.
Director: How dare you?
XXX : What sort of dialogues are these? They are drab, juvenile and uninteresting. And am an English teacher and I just can't deliver dialogues that are grammatically wrong!
Director : I should have thought before giving you amateurs a chance. This is the BOND legacy! The first ever movie to condense the names of all Bond movies in a single scene!
XXX : If thats what you want , why don’t you have a scene where a beautiful blonde reads out all the Bond movies in a sexy voice.
Director [shouting so loud that a tube light breaks into 1000 pieces] : This is your limit XXX. You are fired. All of you are fired!

All the actors say something that is censored by the censor board and leave the set. The director shelves the project and goes back to his porn business. After 6 years he is set to resurrect the project now. He is now searching for actors or a beautiful blonde for The Bond Legacy. Auditions next Saturday in Rani Meiyamai School, Mandaveli, Chennai. All are welcome. Paste your mail id's here and we will send you the full script of the movie. Choose your role and practice the part well. All the best!