Kalanidhi Vs Kalmadi

Disclaimer : This work is purely fictional. Only the characters are real.

Part 1
Elated after being appointed as the president of Indian Olympic Committee, Kalanidhi Maran spares a minute for our journalist from Dubakur Daily and talks about his plans for the Commonwealth Games.

Journalist (J) : Congratulations Mr Kalanidhi on becoming the president of the IOC and taking up responsibility for the Commonwealth Games.

Kalanidhi (K) : Thank you very much. It has been my dream to produce such a high budget movie.

J : A movie? I am asking about the CWG,sir.

K : I consider all the things I do as a movie. After all , life is a big movie and the whole word is a part of that movie.

J : That's very philosophical,sir! Anyways, can you tell us about the plans for the CWG?

K: Well,to start with..we will have about 17 events and songs in between every event.

J :Wow! That's a brilliant idea! What inspired you to get such an idea?

K : I have had this idea always. I have roped in the great musician Deva to compose the songs and Mozart of India,Mani Sharma to compose music for the opening ceremony.

J: Fantastic! Sounds fabulous! What about the venue for the events, sir?

K : We have quite a lot of options for that. I have sent a team to hunt for locations.

J : Can you elucidate,sir?

K : Well,for swimming we have zeroed on River Thames. Such a beautiful location. All the swimmers are in for some treat!

J : Makes me wanna become a swimmer! Very exciting! What about the track events?

K : All the track events will take place in and around the Colosseum of Rome. It will give the event more authenticity and reality and the athletes will surely love the location.

J: Mind blowing! This is surely going to be the best CWG ever! Have you planned anything else,sir?

K: That's it for now. I have a meeting now. Just watch out for many surprises.

J : Sure! All the best Mr.Kalanidhi!

Part 2
Our journalist from Dubakur Daily catches up with Mr.Suresh Kalmadi,producer of the latest Superstar movie Enthiran,for just 42 seconds. Here is what he has to say about the movie.
Journalist (J): What is your take on the movie,sir?

Kalmadi (K) : I take everything.

J : Pardon me? You take everything? Oh you mean the responsibility?

K : No No. Wait I shall explain. Heard of the Ba Ba Black Sheep rhyme? I am a huge fan of that rhyme. I shall take one for my first wife,one for my second wife and one for my third wife who lives down the road.

J : Oh, So how will you produce the movie?

K : Rajnikanth will demand my resignation sooner or later. I shall oblige to that but deny the fact that I have stolen any money. And since you know this I will give you Thousand Rupees.

J : But I am sure the whole crew will need your support to complete the movie,sir. Why don't you produce it?

K : SECURITY!! This man is trying to talk me into producing this movie. Take him away.

J : *Indistinct Noise*

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The Bond Legacy

Scene 1 :
Dr No, wearing a well tailored Reid &Taylor suit , a black shoes ( polished using Kiwi shoe polish) but not wearing socks, enters the CIA headquarters unseen and unarmed. He barges into the meeting room in the 13th floor . The room is badly lit. The walls in this tiny room are splashed with an ugly orange. The five officials in the room are startled by the appearance of a person during an extended lunch hour. The highest ranked official, XXX, stuffs the last piece of his extra long Sub and interrogates Dr No.

XXX: Who are you?
Dr No: Dr. No
XXX: Where do you come from?
Dr No : From Russia with love

The contemptuous replies from Dr. No are disliked by XX, the second highest ranked official, and he moves his hand towards his gun in his holster. XXX gives an assuring look to XX and says he shall handle this.

XXX: Why are you here?
Dr No : On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
XXX : Secret Service? KGB?
Dr No [nonchalantly] : I shall answer that if one of you give me the expansion of KGB.

XXX looks at his colleagues expectantly but no one pays heed except for the newly joined officer whose name is not known. The newly joined officer whose name is not known frantically googles using his eye-phone to impress XXX but figures out that the expansion is unpronounceable and gives XXX a nod of disappointment.

XXX: Ok . So what do you want?
Dr. No : License to Kill
XXX [annoyingly]:We will never give you a license to kill to . Never.
Dr. No : Never say never again. I am holding your spy as a prisoner.
XXX : Which spy?
Dr No : The spy who loved me.
XXX : Oh that one. You can have her. Do you have the spy who spanked me?
Dr No [thinks for some time and chooses his words carefully] : No.
XXX : Oh..then you may leave. Forget your license to kill. I won’t even give you a view to a kill.
Dr. No : No wait. I just said my name again. I have her too.
XXX : Your name is No?
Dr No : Yes, No.
XXX : Yes or No? You are confusing me.
Dr. No : No. Dr.No. And I have your spy.
XXX : Ok. Show her. Now!

XX, the man with no name and the others give a triumphant look as Dr.No is taken aback by XXX’s clever and witty replies. XXX,however, signals something incomprehensible to XX and gives an extremely wicked look.

Dr No [stuttering] :I’ll show you tomorrow.
XXX : But tomorrow never dies.
Dr No : What do you mean by tomorrow never dies?
XXX : I don’t know. It sounds good.
Dr. No : Ok , I’ll show you the spy who spanked you tomorrow when you tell me what “tomorrow never dies” means

Dr. No turns to leave as XX points his gun at Dr. No. Eerie silence fills the room . Everyone is tensed. The man with no name breaks the silence.

The man with no name [after frantically googling again] : Sir, Tomorrow Never Dies is one Bond movie.
XXX: One Bond? You mean Single Bond?

XXX and XX start discussing the different type of Bonds such as Double Bond,Triple Bond while the man with no name checks his eye-phone again to impress XXX but is disappointed to find the battery drained in his eye-phone. Out of frustration , he throws the eye-phone and it hits No’s left eye. Something golden falls out of his eye. Dr.No screams in pain and faints.

XX [checking Dr No’s heart beat] : I think he is dead.
XXX : We are not letting him die in our extended lunch hour! Wake him up. He shall die another day.
Dr. No [gets up suddenly and shouts angrily] : What happened to my Golden eye??
XX : You have a golden eye??!!
Dr.No : And also a goldfinger! [ And shows his middle finger which offends XXX]
XXX: You are filthy rich you son of a bitch. Now tell me where is the spy who shagged me?
Dr. No : I don’t have the spy who shagged you.

XXX pulls a golden gun from his holster and presses it against Dr No’s head.

All officials in unison : The man with the golden gun!!
XXX : You people didn’t know that I was the man with the golden gun?
XX : No sir. We have heard so many myths about the man with the golden gun but we weren’t allowed to talk about him.

XXX laughs haughtily and presses the gun harder against Dr No’s head.

XXX : Tell me what you know about him.
XX: Among great people who live and let die, you are the one who is most feared. We have heard you have got something called as a thunder ball which when used against a pussy cat will slay the pussy into eight parts. Thus, you have the nick-name Octo-pussy slayer.
Man with no name : Can you show us the thunder ball ,sir?
XXX [pressing the gun harder on Dr.No] : Did you hear that Dr No? [Laughs like a hyena] You...........[continues laughing and swallows the words].......not enough.
Dr.No : What is not enough?
XXX: The World in not enough!
Dr.No : I don’t understand the phrases you use. Leave me now. I shall give you this golden eye.
XXX [thinking hard and stammering] : Yes .No. Ofcourse.

Out of nowhere someone shouts "CUT". It is the director of the movie.

Director [fuming] : You haven’t learnt your dialogues by heart ,XXX. I am fed up with your terrible acting and dialogue delivery . This is the 108th take. You are just wasting my time. I am gonna fire you all. You morons.
XXX : Am quitting this movie.
Director: How dare you?
XXX : What sort of dialogues are these? They are drab, juvenile and uninteresting. And am an English teacher and I just can't deliver dialogues that are grammatically wrong!
Director : I should have thought before giving you amateurs a chance. This is the BOND legacy! The first ever movie to condense the names of all Bond movies in a single scene!
XXX : If thats what you want , why don’t you have a scene where a beautiful blonde reads out all the Bond movies in a sexy voice.
Director [shouting so loud that a tube light breaks into 1000 pieces] : This is your limit XXX. You are fired. All of you are fired!

All the actors say something that is censored by the censor board and leave the set. The director shelves the project and goes back to his porn business. After 6 years he is set to resurrect the project now. He is now searching for actors or a beautiful blonde for The Bond Legacy. Auditions next Saturday in Rani Meiyamai School, Mandaveli, Chennai. All are welcome. Paste your mail id's here and we will send you the full script of the movie. Choose your role and practice the part well. All the best!