She has arrears in journalism, but bags a Pulitzer prize

A student of Asian College of Journalism  has won a Pulitzer prize even before completing her graduation. 

Vasudha Venugopal (name not changed on request), a first and final-year journalism student at Asian College of Journalism has been awarded a Pulitzer  by the Columbia University, eight months before she graduates, for her outstanding article in The Hindu. 

Notes from the editor: While our correspondent at Dubakar Daily was writing this article, we received information that Ms. Vasudha has actually graduated and is currently working at The Hindu. We chose to ignore this fact and go ahead with the awe-inspiring headline that you read now.

Vasudha worked on the award winning article for only 15 minutes and carried out most of her work in her home in Chennai or at the beautiful premises of Asian College of journalism. While we are not sure of the exact location, we are certain that our facts about the facts mentioned in the above sentences are certainly uncertain. 

“I never liked to do journalism. I had always wanted to be a story letter  like J.K. Rowling, but my father said only a degree in journalism would ensure a good career. There is a thin line between fact and fiction and most of the words are lost in translation," she said, bemusing the reporters of Dubakur Daily who are not aware of many clichéd sentences or metaphors for that matter. 

When she failed in two subjects in journalism, Vasudha went back to story telling. “Since ACJ did not have facilities for high-quality research, I approached other institutions. I spent hours reading about advancements in story telling and the work of wonderful authors such as Stephenie Meyer of the Twilight fame,” she said.

“I cleared the arrears but failed in more subjects in subsequent years. Clearing journalism exams needed preparation with frequently-asked questions. I never had the time or inclination to do that because of my interest and involvement in story telling,” she said.

Notes from the editor: While we may or may not have established that ACJ offers a 1 year program, we thought of questioning the veracity of the quote from the Pulitzer winner. But she is a Pulitzer winner and one cannot simply question people who have achieved so much in such a bizarre manner. 

Encouraged by her professors at the University, Vasudha started writing articles for The Hindu. “My greatest worry was losing out on attendance in college. Every morning, I would sit and calculate the number of days of attendance I needed to get the mandatory 75 per cent attendance,” she said. Vasudha published her first article in The Hindu in 2012 [citation needed], and her subsequent eight articles were also published by The Hindu.

After reading her article about the reincarnation of Neils Bohr, Dr. Rohit Gunturi, Columbia University immediately honored her with the Pulitzer prize.

“Last month, I got a call requesting me to accept the Pulitzer. I was like totally like so excited and didn't know what to do. I am still like totally excited about this," she said, putting on a fake American accent.  

“I have a job offer from Hindu. But making up stories is my first love. I cannot imagine doing anything else.”

Ms. Vasudha was not available for comment. 

Notes from the editor: This news articles leaves you with so many thought provoking questions. Was Vasudha an employee of The Hindu or was she a student? If Vasudha wasn't available for comment, whose quotes are present in the article? We will never know. For the sheer quality of the article, I choose to publish this without any apprehensions. 

Reference: Hindu Article on Rohit Gunturi by Vasudha Venugopal

Indian English is our English

Dear Readers,

Recently, the leading newspaper in this side of the Cooum river, Dubakur Daily, conducted a competition to promote the prominence of Indian English through mainstream media. The competition was to reproduce cult movie quotes in Indian English and the top 10 altered quotes were to be published in the paper. One would expect such competitions to be a hit among the masses but it was not to be so. This was because of the increasing number of elitists in the society who ridicule the common people who speak Indian English. These are the people who spell 'centre' as 'center' in the phrase 'centre of attraction'. These are the people who cringe when someone makes an innocent grammatical mistake. What is wrong in saying 'cannot able to'? The meaning of the sentence is remotely affected due to such trivial mistakes, yet these elitists mock the patriotic Indian citizens who want to use our own form of English. Why can't we carve an identity for ourselves with our own form of English? Take a look at the top 8 entries for the competition mentioned above and decide for yourself. These cult movie dialogues have just become so much better with our own Indian English.

8. Usual Suspects

Original dialogue: The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. And like that..he's gone!
Indian edition:

7. Appolo 13

Original dialogue: Houston, we have a problem. 

Indian edition:

6. A Few Good Men

6*. Godfather

4. Terminator

Original Dialogue: I'll be back.

Better version: 

3. Any James Bond movie.

2. Taxi Driver

Original dialogue: You talkin' to me?
Best ever version:

1. Scarface

Original dialogue: Say hello to my little friend.

Better version:

Didn't I tell you these cult dialogues sound even better in Indian English? You are the best judge. I hope you can able to understand and I hope you won't mock these people like anything. Indian English is here to stay and prosper..with or without your help. 

Thanks and Regards,

Editor. 

Chepauk - Resurrecting Test Cricket

Chennai's Chepauk stadium has invented a brilliant way to keep Test Cricket from being engulfed by the IPL. In fact, this invention will resurrect Test Cricket and make it more interesting than any T20 league in the world. Most of you who visited Chepauk might be familiar with this blue screen surrounded by Zuari Cement in the picture. It is called the 'message board' or the 'interactive board', which asks you to send your messages to 56006666 so that the knowledgeable Chennai crowd can see your wonderful thoughts on the screen and think about agreeing to disagree with your comments. And here is the highlight: all the thrill and exciting experience at a meager cost of Rs.3 per message.

Apologies for the quality of the photo. It doesn't reflect upon the quality of messages on the board.

Do not underestimate the power of this blue screen. It plays Jedi mind tricks on everyone, including the players. During the second day's third session, when Sachin Tendulkar was at his best, a message in big bold white letters from a relatively unknown person called Shiva [name changed on request] flashed on the screen. "Who wants to see Sachin bat tomorrow, pls raise ur hands," it read. Australian captain Michael Clarke, who desperately wanted Sachin out, momentarily lost control of his own actions and raised his hand, thus receiving a huge round of applause from the crowd. While few knowledgeable uncles argued that Clarke raised his hands to itch his armpit, most of them were convinced that Michael Clarke was more than pleased with Sachin batting continuously for the rest of the match. The chain of actions and alleged assumptions were triggered by a simple combination of ASCII characters with absolute disregard for spelling or punctuation on the blue screen of infinite power, which will, believe it or not, revolutionize Test Cricket.

You might argue that this conclusion might be far-fetched but here is another incident that might change your stance, unless you are Ravindra Jadeja. A 44 year old uncle from the convoluted streets of Mylapore had accompanied his son to watch the match. He made his son walk several times from the top of the D-Upper Tier stand to get him snacks and cool drinks. This is however irrelevant to the point I am trying to convey. He was reading out every message from the blue board aloud to his son and often clarified what the message was demanding us to do. He obliged to the infinite number of pointless Mexican waves, whistled when the message asked us to whistle for Dhoni and shouted when it read, "Dhoni in Viswaroopam idhu from Kamal fanzz." In fact he was so engrossed with what an occult group called 'Powerstar fan club' said to us that he missed Ravindra Jadeja posing for the cameras after magnanimously leaving the ball to hit the stumps. Like all Chennai people, he made a generic comment about how Jadeja's shot selection was poor and he went back to reading messages from 'Ilayathalapathy rocksss.' The blue screen had worked its way through the psyche of an intelligent Indian cricket supporter from Chennai, which is not easy by any means. 

During Ravichandran Ashwin's brief innings, he was asked to raise his bat for the whistles. Of course he obliged. There was a message war of sorts during the lunch break, in which fans of various Kollywood actors were pitted against each other by the 'message board'. Ilayathalapathy fans were countered by Thala fans while Rajni fans got unanimous cheers, thus inspiring Kamal fans to raise to the occasion. The stadium was loud and enthusiastic despite having no men in white clothes playing with a red ball in the middle. And there were so many other countless incidents where the 'message board' was the center of attention. This was not about Test Cricket any more. 

The blue board is here to stay for a long time. If Test Cricket wants to stay alive, it has no choice but play along with the blue board. The voice of a single individual holds the entire stadium in a trance, briefly. By the time you search for the individual responsible for this heinous act, another individual with an even more complicated agenda voices out his opinion. It is an army of individuals working separately but united by the most accomplished tool in the world - The Blue Board. I will paraphrase a line from George Orwell's dystopian novel Nineteen Eighty-Four to fathom the effect The Blue Board has on everyone:

"Always the white words watching you and the imaginary voice enveloping you. Asleep or awake, working or eating, shouting or whistling, in the bathroom or in the chairs -- no escape. Nothing is your own except the few cubic centimeters inside your skull." 

The Blue Board is the future of cricket, at least in this part of the world. 

Art of Making Noncontroversial Cinema

Mylapore Maami Sues Hershey's

After being inspired by the latest Apple-Samsung lawsuit, Pattu Maami from Mylapore has taken an apple leaf out of Tim Cook's book to file a lawsuit on the famous chocolate manufacturer, The Hershey Company. She claims that the design of Hershey's Kisses, one of the famous products of the company, is blatantly copied from the design of Kozhakattai - a dish made on Vinayaga Chathurthi for Lord Ganesh but mercilessly eaten by human beings in the lord's name. On close observation, one can note the similarities between the two designs and it is surprising that none of the yesteryear maamis observed this conspicuous  similarity in the design. Hershey's kisses have been in production from 1907 and the company has made a profit of at least $100 trillion dollars from the product. "I expect a compensation of $100 trillion dollars," she said, in a vehement manner, and added "I have been kind enough to ignore the effect of inflation in the calculation." 

If the case is successful, this will become one of the biggest lawsuit in the history of pointless lawsuits, thus putting the Apple-Samsung case to shame. Pattu Maami's case is strong but it has opposition from several maamis across the neighborhood, who claim that the Kozhakattai's design belongs to their own ancestors. To resolve this issue, a Kozhakattai making competition is expected to take place tomorrow to determine the design that closely resembles the Hershey's kisses. However, Venu Shaastrigal [name changed on request] of Kapaleeshwarar Temple is unhappy with the trivial pursuit of trillion dollars by the Mylapore Maamis. "None of us can claim the Kozhakattai's design for ourselves. It belongs to Lord Vinayaga himself. While I am not totally against the lawsuit, I feel that the money should come to the Kapaleeshwarar temple as a token of appreciation for Lord Siva for giving birth to Lord Vinayaga," he said thoughtfully while slyly asking for donation for the temple. He also said, "I believe the money will be sent in twenty trucks containing several thousand coins. The temple's Hundial can handle such volumes easily."

Recent developments have indicated that the Hershey Company will not to give up without a fight. The company's lawyers have come up with a bizarre defense, which is inspired by Samsung's defense, in which Samsung claimed the tablet was invented by Stanley Kubric in 2001: A Space Odyssey. "Both Kozhakattai and Hershey's kisses have been copied from the design of an onion," the lawyers said triumphantly and then corrected, "rather a miniature version of the onion." This defense has opened an opportunity for people to lay claim for the design of the onion, which has been in existence from the Neolithic era. This is just the beginning of a saga that might shock everyone in this world. 

A bizarre defense from Hershey's

Understanding TOI's Ad Campaign

What TOI's front page was on 4th September, 2012.

What TOI's front page actually meant

The CAT Boom-Bust Cycle

Django Unchained Unraveled

These movie critics get really excited whenever a new movie releases. It is a chance for their reviews to attain rave reviews. These critiques are also reviewed by other movie critiques and some bloggers who are desperate to strike a conversation with the movie critics on Twitter. However, this post is not one of those reviews about reviews about movie reviews. This article belongs to the burgeoning trend of dissecting trailers or "hey, look, I can fucking think like the director and I can direct better than him if I get a chance and I can make better trailers too" by aspiring movie critics, who are self-proclaimed 'reading into the director's mind' experts. 

Let us go into the minds of these people, who go into the minds of the directors, and dissect the latest trailer of Django Unchained directed by Quentin Tarantino. I am sure the movie had your curiosity, but now it will have your attention. Watch the trailer before you start reading the dissection.

1. The first scene of the trailer starts with some profound words, which might or might not have been left by Quentin Tarantino. However, similar messages have been shown at the beginning of his previous films such as <list Tarantino's movies>. It is odd that Tarantino sticks to this message despite the different genres of movies he directs. Oh wait, this message looks like it is from the Motion Picture Association of America, Inc. Never mind. Let us move on to the next screenshot.

The trailer opens with these strange lines in a green background surprising the audience

2. The back side of black person is shown up close. There are a lot of scars, which might depict some cryptic message. On a close second look, it seems to say "Sorry, you are fucking wasting your time here."

What are the scars saying?

3. Due to the poor lighting, we are unable to decipher what exactly is going on in the screen. Many apologies. Thanks and Regards.  


Too dark to make a clever intrepretation

4. If you are thinking Edwin Porter is the main antagonist of this movie and has a very important role to play in the movie, then you are as wrong as <insert terrible shame inducing metaphor>. This is an homage to Edwin Porter, an American film pioneer, who directed one of the earliest Western Movies called The Great Train Robbery. Or the Edwin Porter might be a close accomplice of Calvin Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio), who might be killed half way through the movie as a cost cutting measure. You never know it until you actually watch the movie.

Train Robbery? Isn't the movie about slaves?

5. Wonderful silhouette ain't it? Picture doesn't say much except that it shows the trailer is half complete and the other half of this terrific dissection is coming right at you.

6. We can confidently say that movie will release this Christmas. Although if you had watched the trailer closely, it seems like an answer to Django's (Jamie Foxx) question. Looks like the movie takes place in the month of December or maybe not.


Yes, Christmas is in 6 months and 18 days.

 7. Gentlemen, you had the curiosity about this dissection but we are sure you lost the attention.

DiCaprio surely has my attention

8. What's a Quentin Tarantino movie without some bloodshed? Worried whether the blood group is O+ or AB-? No one really cares.


Red blood on white flowers. Excellent contrast. Or some shit movie critics say

9.  From the trailer, we can safely assert that Leonoardo DeCaprio owned Jamie Foxx. Yes, this movie is racist and hence, 'owned' doesn't necessarily have to be the slang word,



Word of the day: Rambunctious



10. The trailer ends with an usual note of "For more exclusive and exciting promotions, go to our Facebook page." We have nothing more to add to that and we sincerely advise movie critics to patiently wait for the movie instead of coming up with their own versions of the movie.

                              

To conclude, Boromir has something to say.

 

 

Game of Indian Politics: A Comparative Study

George R.R Martin's Game of Thrones (A Song of Ice and Fire) and Indian Politics have too many striking similarities that we can't ignore. To start with, both have too many characters who are greedy, immoral, lustful, ostentatious and what not (add suitable adjectives of your liking).  Like the land of Westeros, India can be divided into the 7 major areas: Chennai, Bengaluru, Mumbai and Pune, Rajasthan, Delhi, Kolkata and Punjab. Oh wait. These are the IPL teams and I conveniently forgot Deccan Chargers. Never mind. Although there is one major difference between the two. The Wall in Westeros is present in The North while The Wall (Yes, Rahul Dravid) in India is present in the south.

The similarities don't end with the overall picture given above. Each character in the Game of Thrones bares an uncanny resemblance to someone in Indian Politics. Let us see few of those striking similarities now.

That is all I could think of, but I am sure there are more. If you can think of any other similarities, kindly spread the gyan.

A New Post

Yes yes, I know you haven't been waiting for my blog post nor wondered why I haven't blogged for a long time but it is my humble duty to remind you that my blog exists and so do I. I have never been a regular blogger (nor will I ever be) but, like all sane bloggers, I would love to be regular and a little entertaining once in a while.

Before you mistakenly presume that this blog post is going to be a little entertaining, I would like you to look at the title of this post. Since I couldn't think of anything clever or funny, I have stuck to the tab's name in which I am writing this post: New Post. Oh, I did add an article. As you can see, I have reached a creative nadir. Although the last time I gave a title for a blog post, the blog went viral and garnered more attention than Sunny Leone's antics in Big Boss 5. The title contributed very little to the virality of the post as the content, by itself, was hilarious! Yes, it was this post by this Lady and this KD. Now, don't ask me for the lady's identity or her intro.

So, why I haven't I blogged in a long time? I have succumbed to the tedious corporate life consisting of coffee breaks, meetings and more coffee breaks and in between those I have to find time to bombard my twitter profile with boring tweets and pry on profiles of homosapiens bearing XX chromosomes. Gone are those first few days at work, when I wrote Kalanidhi Vs Kalmadi as a note on Facebook. It was only later that year I started this blog, chiefly as a quiz blog to just flaunt that "hey, even I am a quizzer!" The series of questions were called Today's Kelvi aka TK and I wrote a note about TK to garner attention. What I also did was build a mascot, or rather a banner, for TK.

Sir TR challenja asking you to answer TK

But then, I lost interest in TK as there were few quiz groups on Facebook which were certainly more entertaining than TK. Moreover, the phrase "Answer in the blog" was severely scrutinized by high funda quizzers.

From the Drafts

In between TKs, I wrote few posts which evoked sadness more than a wry smile but that didn't stop me from tormenting people with more posts. However, there are two things that I have always wanted to do in my blog:

1. Write a short story or a serious article:
For Commonwealth's Short Story competition, I decided to make an attempt on writing a short story. After many days of writing and rewriting, I completed the story only to realise that Ra.One had a better story line.

I also tried writing something serious akin to Rorschach's Journal and I stopped after the first few words. You will know why I stopped when you read it.

"The Tale of Turtle, the Tortoise 

Turtle's Journal,

April 13th, 2011 A.D

The night is dark and the dogs bark"

Maybe I will write one this year. Maybe I won't. But I shall make an effort by asking expert tips from Cheese Charmer and Vijay Chidambaram since I can't wake O.Henry from his grave.

2. Learn Photoshop
All the images that I have exhibited in my previous blog posts were done using MS Paint. To shield my inability to produce quality photoshopped images, I claimed they were a new form of art called as PDC aka Poorly Drawn Comics. So yeah, I have been wanting to master photoshop and give this blog a non-amateurish touch. Krish Ashok's plog is one of my greatest inspirations in this area.

I tried parodying paintings using troll faces and thought of naming the post as Troll Art [not be confused with the art of trolling]. One of my friends, Deepak Vishnu, yielded to my constant nagging and made this awesome troll art of Edvard Munch's The Scream.

Troll Art: The Scream Lithograph

Although the following is what I had done before giving it to an expert. If Edvard Munch was living in the 21st century, I am certain that the face in The Scream would have been a rage face. 

Troll Art: The Scream

After that I made a marginally serious effort in parodying  René Magritte's The Son of Man. I wouldn't call it brilliant but that is how much I could do before MS Paint started testing my patience. 

Troll Art: The Son of Man

I haven't been all that creatively challenged for a month. I did a couple of drab comics which you might want to see.

An astronomical increase in Indian citizens, who played pen fight and dikilona in India, watching the SuperBowl after going to the USA made me do this.

The SuperBowl

I also did an ad for Faking News to infuriate both The Hindu and The Times of India during the war of ads. But sadly, the two serious newspapers fought among themselves slyly avoiding a threesome.

A very profound ad

So, I might learn photoshop. Or I might rather continue with my PDCs and glorify mediocrity. One thing I will not do is leave my posts to rot in the drafts. Good or not, I will complete them for mere self satisfaction and not bother about the number of shares or likes or retweets. Ironically, it is the numbers that give you immense self satisfaction. I would like to abruptly conclude this post by saying that this blog has jumped the shark.

How To Drive a 2-Wheeler Without Falling

It was a bright Sunday morning in the month of August 1994, when I first laid my hands on a two wheeler. It was a gaudy bicycle in vogue and I was all excited to start riding it. I convinced myself that riding a bicycle would be a cake walk considering the fact that I was an expert when it came to tricycles. Yes, I haven't fallen from a 3-wheeler till date (includes auto). But to my unpleasant surprise, I had to be lifted out of a drainage after ten minutes of uneventful bicycling.


Insert irrelevant BGM.


Seventeen years after the scene in the prologue, I can proudly say that I am a man of multiple accidents that have taken place at various speeds ranging from 0 km/hr to 69 km/hr across two continents. Do I need any more qualifications to preach what I have practised my entire life? Unlike my other boring blog posts, this post will contain something useful and I am sure you can avoid an accident or two by following the tips given below.


Here are few of my major accidents, maybe 7..no definitely 6..umm..frankly lost count, in chronological order. Before that, here is a geographical representation of my accidents.

Accident #1
One month after I got my Bajaj Pulsar 150cc, I had my first major fall. I was having a bread omelette after a really long time at Hi-Look (See Map) when something strange happened. The protein molecule in the omelette failed to react in a cordial manner with the bile juice secreted by my liver, thus causing a disquieting and restless situation accompanied by poorly orchestrated sound effects inside my stomach. Quite naturally I left in a hurry and I drove home as fast as I could to avoid a literal scatological joke. But unfortunately, I flew off my bike after 200 meters and I rolled another 50 meters before my body came to complete rest. I got up immediately, like nothing had happened, and tried lifting the bike like a macho-man and got burnt by the silencer .By that time, I was surrounded by well-wishers, annoying free advice givers and couple of my friends whom I had called before I tried lifting the bike. The rest of the story involves the magical transformation of the mental and stomach discomfort into physical pain and hearing problem thanks to the countless counselling sessions on bike driving. Anyway, we won’t be digressing into the injury details and the damages to the bike in this lecture. So, coming to the important part, what did we learn from here?

Tip No.1: Never eat a bread omelette before driving.

Tip No.2: Urgent matters are best resolved before driving. In other words, take a dump before you jump (onto the bike).

Accident #2

A fortnight after my first accident, there was a marriage reception in a pompous marriage hall in Mount Road. Free food is not something I am programmed to resist. So, I went, I gorged and I groggily started driving back home. I was listening to 'Endrendrum Punagai' song and I was inclined to poorly impersonate Madhavan because of the song. In a twist of fate, someone listening to the same song in a Maruti 800 in full volume clipped my bike and drove off.

Tip No.3: Imitating Maddy in ‘Endrendrum Punagai’ is best done with a cooling glass and preferably in daylight.

Accident #3 & #4

It took me a while to start driving again and these two accidents are not something I am not proud of. One accident occurred at 5km/hr and other one occurred at a slower speed, almost at rest. And to my horror and everyone else’s humour, both took place inside my college campus. I was the laughing stock until a classmate of mine did a daring stunt with a TVS 50 inside the college and seized the coveted honour.

Tip No.4: It is better to fall at higher speeds and endure physical agony than fall at lower speeds and tolerate humiliation. The physical agony heals faster.

Accident #5

Being on time has never been my forte. And the inevitable happened when I decided to be on time for a Gas Dynamics and Jet Propulsion lecture on a Friday morning. A girl, who was seriously bad at crossing roads, happened to cross the road after getting down at Anna University bus stand. I have no idea how she missed a black pulsar coming right at her and I have no idea why I didn’t hit the brakes like in the CEAT tyre ads. I dashed her and we fell down and, for a moment, I hoped that this would be a fairy tale beginning to a wonderful love life. But when I saw her chudidhar torn at questionable places, I had to shed the Tamil hero image and assume the role of a modern day Dushasana. I was terribly injured and thankfully one of my friends came out of nowhere and said, "Macha, yaaro kizha vizhundhadha paathen, nee dhan irupen nu anticipate panni vandhen da."  I missed the class and the entire week after that.
Tip No.5: To stop the bike, put the brake. 
Tip No.6: Make sure you tell the world about your accidents. Don't feel embarrassed. There will be a savior watching out for you.


Accident #6
This is the final accident and quite a serious one. Quite aptly, it took place in Kannammapetai, the significance of which Chennai folks might know. I was supposed to go to my project leader's house to type the project thesis as the bright minds of my project group felt I had to contribute something for our not so epic project. I wore a brand new Jockey tracksuit, for which I had got a Jockey underwear free. Somewhere in Kannammapettai road, a water lorry had started and moved 200 meters on that road in 15 minutes. Meanwhile, I drove from Adyar and was right on time to be behind the lorry and made sure the lorry driver frustrated me. I guess the lorry driver was a fan of Gandalf as his mind voiced echoed, "You shall not pass." I tried overtaking him from the left as a dutiful Indian citizen but skidded and strayed under the back wheels of the lorry. Fortunately, the lorry was going too slow to ascend a huge speed-breaker, which was me. My costume was disintegrated and I realized my brand new Jockey outfit was not designed to withstand such high shear stress. And I couldn't fail to notice the irony when my clothes were torn after what had happened to the girl in the previous accident. I recovered in a month and thanks to the sympathy vote, I got 'A Grade' in microprocessor lab exam without even attending it. And I never typed the thesis and thus my effective contribution towards the project was -1% as I had to disturb my project mates to give me a ride home.
Tip No.7: Never mess with a water lorry.
Tip No.8: Never mess with any lorry.
Tip No.9: Do not contribute to anything against your will.  It affects you mentally while driving.


I hope it was a very informative post and I would like to conclude this post with a cult quote from a wise man, who taught me the art of driving a bike:
"Every great bike accident consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The bike driver shows you his bike. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if the brakes are working. But of course... it probably isn't. He pledges that he is a careful driver. The second act is called "The Turn". The biker takes the ordinary bike and makes it do something extraordinary like falling while taking a turn, thus getting hurt badly. Now you're looking for the wound... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking or he is tactfully hiding it. You don't really want to know. You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because falling down isn't enough; you have to get back on the bike and drive again. That's why every bike accident has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige"." 

Unconventional Methods of Bursting Conventional Crackers

          "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

This cult dialogue is apparently inspired from the festival that holds epochal significance for oil baths more than crackers nowadays. The excitement that surrounds Diwali is exponentially decreasing and has hit a rock bottom this time because of a small time film called Ra.One. Apart from that, Diwali evokes some sense of global concern to issues such as pollution and child labor, for which people do not give a rat's ass otherwise. People have just gotten lazy to burst crackers. This might be due to the fact that they are bored of the conventional crackers and the same old way the crackers burst. That brings us to the importance of the unconventional title of  yet another conventional post. In this post, we shall be discussing the different ways of bursting various crackers, with the help of an unconventional tool called PDC. Don't get flabbergasted now. PDC is an acronym for Poorly Drawn Comics.

Indian crackers can be broadly classified as follows:

Over the years, we would have burst all kind of crackers and eventually lost the enthusiasm to burst them again. Here are few ways to revive the forgotten art of bursting crackers. 

1. Flower Pots

Every Diwali morning, people start their bursting sessions with a Bhusvanam or a flower pot to please their grandmothers as flower pots, for no apparent reason, signify prosperity. This may or may not be true but what is certainly true is that these flower pots are endangered species. People have lost interest in crackers that do not emit sound less than 10 dB. We strongly hope that the following unconventional ways might inspire you to lay your hands on a flower pot again. 

2. Rockets

It is not exciting when you know that your rockets won't cross even half the distance of Dr. Vijay's long jump in Vettaikaran. Rockets can be fun if used in a game called "Counter Ra.One". The objective of the game is to hit the omnipresent Ra.One bill boards or posters and points will be awarded accordingly. Here is a PDC illustrating the physics involved in such a game. 

3. The Bonfire Disposition
This method is for the people who want to burn their crackers as quickly as possible, so that they can go back home and watch the new movie aired in Sun TV. As the name indicates, make a bonfire using the cracker dabbas and throw each and every cracker one by one. Might be fun as long as you don't throw a rocket, which might follow the "Actual Trajectory#2" and disappoint your girl friend or wife.

4. Otha Vedis
'Otha', in this context, refers to the single sound made by a cracker and not the expletive often heard at the roadsides or at colleges or at work places or anywhere in and around Tamil Nadu. These vedis often have a Hindu deity's name and their etymologies can seldom be traced. These are extremely boring vedis even for the most avid lover of crackers. At best, these can be burst on your hands, in case you want to impress the girl next door, or thrown at people or thrown into the bonfire as mentioned above. You can also poorly enact this scene from Dark Knight (see picture below) using 'Otha Vedis', but I advise you not to trust the ignition time of our crackers. Sometimes they burst instantaneously and most of the times, they take eternity.

There are many other crackers and many other innovative methods to burst them, but none of them will give you immense satisfaction relief as watching Ra.One. The only way to be relieved from the curse of Ra.One advertisements is by watching the movie as soon as possible. For all you know, SRK might take help from Nolan and promote Ra.One in our dreams. Hurry to the theaters now! Happy Ra.One Diwali Folks! 

How You Must Celebrate Madras Day!

Did you know that Francis Day is the reason why Madras Day is celebrated? So when is Francis Day celebrated? Do not Google. Read this to know the answer. In case you know the answer, read this anyway.


For most of us, Madras Day is about celebrating the rich history of the city by cleaning and white-washing the heritage sites for the occasion, eating traditional Madras meals and speaking Tamil in the coveted Madras slang. I am not sure about the last part though. For a few geeks, it is about indulging themselves in crazy trivia about Madras and boasting about the same. For others, it’s about watching a Tamil movie and saying Tamil movies are the best. Chennai (Madras),the capital of Tamil Nadu, is also the capital for Tamil movies aka Kollywood. So, for this Madras Day I shall try my best to convince people how Tamil Cinema is on par with Hollywood, if not better.


The youth of today always come out exasperated after watching a Tamil Cinema. They compare Tamil Cinema with Hollywood and complain it isn’t up to the mark. First of all, we must understand the fact that the directors here are not given the freedom that is given to the Hollywood directors. Let me elucidate. Ever seen a Quentin Tarantino movie without the word “fuck” used in it? If I ask Tarantino to make a movie without “fuck”, he would probably quit making films and work in a Tea Kadai. Yes my friends, this one word is what gives Tarantino movies the cult status.. How much better would Tamil Cinema be if the word “Otha” was used as much as “fuck” is used? It would certainly be phenomenal. But sadly to our dismay, the cult word is replaced by annoying beeps. 


We also take pride in ridiculing our Tamil movies or songs by claiming that they have been copied from a foreign source. The basic assumption we are making here is that we believe Hollywood movies are original. But the underlying truth is that they are far from original. Be it Nolan's Batman trilogy or Jackson's LOTR trilogy, we could say the movies were copied from an awesome comic and a splendid book respectively. But instead, we use euphemisms such as ' the comic served as an inspiration for the Nolan brothers' or 'the movie was well adapted from the novel'. If a movie has a scene similar to a scene in another movie, we label it as 'Pop-culture reference' ,or worse, we call it as a tribute to some Tom, Dick and Harry. But when it comes to Tamil Cinema, we mercilessly slaughter our own people for being a third rated thief. Music directors are at the receiving end of most of this barrage of abuse. The latest in the accusation list is Mankatha's title song, which has an uncanny resemblance to Shakthi Masala's ad jingle. It is plain ridiculous. However, we shamelessly praise Atticus Ross and Trent Reznor for their Oscar for Best Original Score even though they copied (remixed is the euphemism here) Edvard Greig's 150 year old song. Edvard Greig must be a proud man, while I am a disappointed man pitying the mentality of our folks.


Another popular topic of discussion for the nitpickers is about the exaggerated action sequences in our Tamil Movies. We are such hypocrites. We exalt Indiana Jones to epic levels but put down our own Captain by complaining that he is trash. Both perform the same gravity defying stunts and emerge unscathed despite the odds stacked against them. We watch a light-saber fight between a father and a son with so much involvement but ridicule a sword fight between our own Rajnikanth and Kamal Hassan in Allaudhinum Arpudha Vilakkum. We fall for the light-saber fight just because the swords have some fancy lights and one of the persons fighting dons a cool black costume and has a strange voice. We are major victims of such pretentious things. 


Ladies and Gentlemen, it is high time we appreciate the beauty of Tamil Cinema. If we can't back our own cinema, then who will? We should take inspiration from legends like Arindam Chaudhuri and promote our cinema as the best in the world. Tamil Cinema is true cinema. It caters to the needs of all people. It is made for the greater good. It is God’s own cinema. So this Madras day, wherever you are, I want you to watch a Tamil movie and then go, open your window, stick your head out and yell “"I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!" Huh? Sounds inappropriate, right? Well, just shout something. Something appropriate. About Tamil Cinema. And do us all proud.


If you are still reading this gibberish hoping to find the answer for the question at the beginning, then here it is. Francis Day was the person who purchased Madras from a local chief called Damarla Venkatappa Nayak. You will never forget this funda right? After all, I put you through so much pain to learn this. Your inquisitiveness is appreciated.
Happy Madras Day!

I am Back!

Voila!
Look who is back after a hiatus of 2 months! Yes, it is me. Barclays Premier League. I am sorry I had to take two months off. I had to give my accomplice, Mr. Transfer Market, a chance to make me more exciting. I must say he has done an excellent job by tinkering with most of the parts in my body. Oh yeah, I refer to the teams as my body parts. For example, my derriere is called Chelsea and my crotch is called Manchester City. Transfer Market has spent a lot for my crotch by giving me something called Price Aguero's piercing akin to Prince Albert's piercing. Although the prospects are exciting, I am not comfortable when people spend so much for just one part. Anyway, if you guys have any questions regarding this season or anything in general, shoot'em.

Arsenal Fan: Hi BPL. I am an Arsenal fan. What do you think about Arsenal prospects this season?
BPL: I didn't expect such a difficult question early on. To be honest, Arsenal's reign at the top of the table will end today. I must say I have been kind to you guys by arranging my teams in an alphabetical order so that you aren't disappointed even during the off season. I happened to see this extremely hilarious video that pretty much sums up my thoughts. Enjoy it. Stan vs Wenger Remix.

Media Guy: I have promised my employers that I shall bring some scintillating news to their desks. Can you give me some tips?
BPL: Ha! How smart of you! I would advise you to have a secret surveillance camera at Manchester City's dressing room. I am sure you can find out who helps Balotelli wear his underwear. Then, don't miss Neil Warnock's post match rants, especially after a poor refereeing decisions. Also make sure you are present when Drogba teaches Lukaku the secret of poor acting.

Liverpool Fan: My question is very simple. Will Liverpool win the title?
BPL: I will align with your euphoric mental state now and positively say that Liverpool will be the eternal champions. Although, I am sure you have heard about The Scouse's Boom Bust Cycle.

Everton Fan: I am disappointed with the riots, which lead to the cancellation of our match. What do you think?
BPL: If I were you, I would be really happy. Considering that you won't be at the bottom of the table after Week 1, it is a dream start for Everton.

Alex Ferguson: Will I have any special favors this season?
BPL: As always, the whistle will not be blown until your team has scored the winner. Referees will be arranged to give penalty kicks in all matches. And, you can give Howard Webb a Man Utd jersey. He said he would like No.13. As you know, I don't have the balls to disappoint you. You will enjoy this season too, Sir.

Fernando Torres: I would like the goal post to be widened by a meter on each side and also an increase in the height of the goal post will be helpful. Is that possible?
BPL: Oh yeah! I will also provide you with a magical broom and a wand to weave your magic in front of the goal.

Joey Barton: Fuck you. I hate this fucking hoopla surrounding this dumb thing. Fuck you, again.
BPL: I was about to ask the security guards to drag you out but I just realised that you were Joey Barton. You are pardoned.

Man City Fan: I was the brainchild behind the Welcome to Manchester Poster. Can you give me an idea for another poster?
BPL: I suggest you work on redecorating your club's logo. You can take inspiration from this sample logo.

That is the end of the question session. Although some of my answers were a bit provocative, I know you guys will love me despite that. You can expect another roller-coaster ride from me this season. I will never cease to excite and I shall never disappoint. Aurevoir!

Transfer Update: Manchester City's Summer Extravaganza

Since the start of the Transfer Window, Manchester City have not hit the headlines as much as they would have liked. While Liverpool and Manchester United have already grabbed the limelight with their star signings, City have hardly managed to find the back pages. Even Mario Balotelli's antics haven't helped City's cause. 
This lack of activity during the "transfer silly season" has infuriated the owner of Manchester City, Mr.Sheikh Mansour. He has given Roberto Mancini a modest €600m to spend on players, who are "special" and have unparalleled footballing abilities. Rumors are afloat that Mancini isn't happy with meager sum as he has scouted for players with phenomenal ability but astronomical prices. This article will attempt to guide you through the minefield of gossip to give you the inside track of what might happen at City in the next two months.

This is the first big name to be associated with Manchester City this summer. Since young British talents are the flavor of the current market, Mancini has had his eye on the young British striker for a couple of months. "Peter Pan is a wonder kid. In fact, he will be a wonder kid even after 20 years," Mancini said, with extra emphasis on the word 'kid'. Mancini is certain to sign the kid and is believed to use him as a second striker to utilize his uncanny ability to score goals with his long nose. Mancini has proved his footballing acumen by securing the services of a "forever"young talent, while his counterparts,Kenny Dalglish and Sir Alex, have spent money on young British players, who will eventually grow old. 

Not content with the plethora of strikers in the club, Manchester City is shockingly linked with Trojan Horse FC striker, Achilles. Since City's style of play includes a couple of unnecessary back heels, Achilles wouldn't be quite suited to the system due to a major injury sustained while swimming in the River Styx. However, Mancini believes that Achilles has the ability to destroy any defenses in the world."I am not signing the old and saggy Brad Pitt. I am signing Achilles, the legendary striker," Mancini fumed, on hearing negative comments about the player. Mancini has stiff competition from various Greek clubs for the player and will probably offer more than €100m to secure the services of Trojan Horse FC's talisman.

Don Vito Corleone has been ironically linked with Manchester City right from when Kolo Toure was banned for using questionable drugs. The speculations have continued this summer and it is conceived that Mancini has a made an offer Vito Corleone can't refuse. However, Don Corleone is mighty unimpressed with Mancini's approach. "I only make offers people can't refuse. No one makes offers I can't refuse," Vito Corleone bellowed in a recent press meet. The deal will not materialize, mostly. 

A number of clubs have shown interest in this versatile player, who is a plumber by profession, midfielder by choice and a defender by compulsion. Due to his plumbing background, it is a general notion that he doesn't leak goals at the back. Hence, it comes as no big surprise that Inter Milan is after him. However, Man City is the favorite to land Super Mario. Mancini is keen on giving Mario Balotelli an egoistical snub by signing his namesake, Super Mario. Mancini expects Mario Balotelli's performance to enhance by this tactical move. Although, it is quite unclear what Mancini has in his mind.

On Saturday evening, it was reported by a reputable website that Man City is set to complete a fantabulous signing of an uncapped, unknown, unprecedented player of the highest quality. If the sources are to be trusted, the player has been virtually made using FIFA-11's "Create your own player" option. He has all the parameters such as agility, ball control, finishing set to a value of 99 on a scale of 100. This news has taken everyone by surprise and Sir Alex has already raised his vociferous opposition to the FA. Mancini,however, was hardly nonplussed with the situation and suggested that his name will down in history as the pioneer of  "Virtual Player Capturing." Everyone is anxiously waiting for FA's & FIFA's reaction towards this saga.


If you have heard about any Transfer rumors related to Manchester City, kindly let us know by commenting below.